


We Were Made For Each Other

by Betzalee



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Like, M/M, Minor Character Death, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve dies but then he comes back to life, True Love, brief major character death, peggy carter needs a hug, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-18 22:03:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9404810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Betzalee/pseuds/Betzalee
Summary: Steve and Bucky were perfect for each other and they both knew it. They were each other’s first in just about everything and they couldn’t have asked for more than what they already had. They were so deeply in love with each other that nothing else in the world mattered to them. So it came as a surprise when on a sunny morning afternoon, Steve Grant Rogers, the other half of James Buchanan Barnes, had a heart attack on his way home and died on the ambulance on his way to the hospital.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, this is a new story I've been working on for a couple of days now. I had previously posted the first chapter of this story before but with a different title. However, the first chapter is no longer the same as it once was because I've added more stuff to it and edited the story a lot. 
> 
> Anyways, I know this story might be hella confusing and if that's the case then don't hesitate to ask questions. But i have enjoyed writing this story so so much and I hope you guys can enjoy this.

Steve Rogers was in love with James Buchanan Barnes. Had been in love with him since they were 15 years old and had had the absolute pleasure of dating the other man since then. The two met when they were 5 at the neighborhood playground and had hit it off right away. Their friendship soon grew after discovering that they in fact lived in the same building as well and would often spend time in each others homes. Their parents had even become friends through the two of them and both families spent almost all their holidays together. As the years went by, their friendship only seem to grow deeper and stronger and the two became inseparable. It didn't come of as a surprise when when the two of them decided to date and add that extra step into their tooth rotting, sugary sweet relationship.

In short, the two of them were perfect for each other and they both knew it. They were each other’s first in just about everything and they couldn’t have asked for more than what they already had. They were so deeply in love with each other that nothing else in the world mattered to them. That didn’t mean things were always perfect between the two. When it was time to go college, the two of them fought about whether or not they should go to different schools or stay together. Bucky wanted to stay with Steve and go to NYU, and as much as that idea pleased the blonde, he couldn’t agree with it. They both wanted to study different things in different places and Steve didn’t want to be the reason why Bucky didn’t get to live out his dreams and go into the school he had always wanted to go to. He hated arguing with Bucky, but the brunette just wouldn’t stop being stubborn about the whole situation and didn't want to listen to reason. And since Steve hadn’t even applied to MIT, the brunette thought that the next best thing was to apply to NYU.

Steve didn’t even know that Bucky had applied to the school until the brunette had gotten his admissions letter and even though he had been so mad at him for that, he'd decided to push the ordeal aside. But once Bucky had gotten accepted into MIT, they were both suddenly forced to talk about it and it hadn’t been pretty at all. They would argue about it every single day, sometimes going as far as even yelling at each other. Their friends were worried that this was going to hurt their relationship and tried to talk to each of them about sorting their shit out. But it didn’t help that all their friends and even family members agreed with Steve and made Bucky feel as if they were all ganging up on the brunette.

And being the hardheaded idiot that he was, Bucky actually thought that Steve had gotten tired of him and their relationship already and that he was just using this as an excuse to break up with him and that everyone but him was in on it. It broke Steve’s heart to know that Bucky actually thought the blonde would be capable of such a thing and despite his wounded heart, it made the blonde so angry that he had decided stopped talking to Bucky for a whole week.

And it had been a grueling week.

Not talking to Bucky was both mentally and physically stressful. Steve thought about going over Bucky’s house and tell the brunette to accept his NYU admissions and to fuck MIT. But Steve didn’t want that and he didn’t know if he could live with himself if Bucky ever started regretting his decision to stay. He just wanted Bucky to see and understand that this was for the best, even though it didn’t fucking seem like it at the moment. And being the stubborn mule that he was, Steve managed to hold on for a week and ignore his boyfriend even though it hurt.

In the end, it was Bucky the one who came through. It was a Sunday afternoon and Steve had been contemplating whether he should take a bath or stay in bed for the rest of the day. It was already 5 pm and he had nowhere to go. His friends were staying out of their fight and had decided to not hang out with either of them until they both got their heads out of their asses. It sucked and he had spent that week bored out of his mind, but it also gave him plenty of time to think about his relationship with Bucky.

Steve knew he was head over heels in love with his boyfriend and that that wouldn’t be changing anytime now. And he knew that Bucky loved him just as much and that distance was not going to hurt their relationship. He also knew that Bucky was scared because this was going to be the first time they’d be away from each other and for a long period of time (hopefully for only four years) and he was scared that something might come between their relationship and he was afraid of losing him. Steve knew all that and had thought about all that as well. But he knew that he wanted only Bucky and that he'd work really hard for their relationship to succeed. He just wanted Bucky to try as well. He also worried about how they'd keep in touch with each other, but there were a lot of ways the both of them could communicate and MIT wasn’t that far away. He was thinking about all the new video chatting apps they could download when his doorbell rang. His mom and dad were working so he was the only one at home.

He didn’t want to get up from his bed, so he just stayed there, wishing whoever it was would just go away. But they kept ringing the bell and when that wasn’t enough, they started banging on the door. Steve had groaned and cursed and thrown a mini fit before dragging his feet across the hardwood floor and making his way to the door.

And there stood Bucky, with a single rose in his hand and a bashful smile on his face. He looked good but also tired, with dark circles under his eyes that probably matched Steve’s. The blond stood there and gaped, not fully registering what was happening at the moment.

“I love you,” Bucky had said. “I love you and you’re the love of my life and I don’t want us to fight anymore.”

Without saying anything, Steve took the rose from Bucky’s hand and placed it on the small table besides the front door. Once the flower was in a safe location, he threw himself at his boyfriend who was caught off-guard and almost fell over. Letting out a grunt, Bucky chuckled and was able to pick Steve up, wrapping bony legs around his waist.

Steve wrapped both hands around the brunette’s neck and began kissing his face. “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He repeated. Bucky giggled and managed to navigate both of them into the house after closing the front door.

They began kissing. Slow and sweet, yet passionate. Steve had missed this so fucking much and he just couldn’t get enough of it. Soon, their tender kisses turned feral and deep and Steve pulled Bucky as close as possible to him. Bucky quickly walked both of them towards Steve’s bed and gently placed the other boy on top of it. They made love that afternoon, and like everything else in their relationship, it had been nothing but magical.  
  
They didn’t argue about MIT or NYU after that night. Instead, both of them had a serious conversation about it the following morning and came to an agreement. Bucky would be going to MIT in the fall and would come to visit Steve during every holiday while Steve would go over there during the weekends. It was a perfect plan, but when the time came, both of them couldn’t hold it together and had cried in each others arms.

Steve stayed in New York where he went to NYU and studied art history and Bucky went to MIT to took engineering as his major. And despite Bucky’s worries, the distance only seemed to fortified their relationship.

Four years later and after graduating from their respective universities, Steve got a job as an arts teacher at a private high school in Manhattan, while Bucky came back to the city with a job at Starks Industry. They moved in together a month later, after finding a nice and affordable apartment in Brooklyn and lived in a happy harmony for four blissful years. They were so deep in their own bubble of love and everything was perfect. Some nights, Steve thought that he was dreaming. That all of this, everything he had with Bucky, was nothing but a wonderful dream.

Bucky always kissed the thought away from him though, and assured him that if this was a dream, that it was the best fucking dream in the whole wide world and that he didn’t want to ever wake up from it. And honestly, this only made Steve fall deeper in love with his boyfriend.

But good things never last forever, and even though he didn’t want to, their sweet little bubble of love, drastically came to an end.

Steve had always been weak and sickly as a kid, and growing up, some of those aliments grew with him. He had horrible asthma, heart problems and a bad back. Neither of those things put a stopper on his life though, and he always managed to live it to the fullest. They both knew that they could turn deadly though, so they were always keeping an eye out for things that had to do with Steve’s health, so that it wouldn’t catch him off guard.

So it came as a surprise when on a sunny morning afternoon, Steve Grant Rogers, the other half of James Buchanan Barnes, had a heart attack on his way home and died on the ambulance on his way to the hospital.


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i decided to post chapter 1 today as well because think that's fair lol. Anyways, don't forget to leave your opinions about this story!!

It all happened like this. On the day of Steve’s death, just a few blocks away from where the blonde had fallen to the ground, another man had collapsed. Unlike Steve, the stranger had been crossing the street on his way to his apartment and had been hit by a car. The stranger was severely hurt, but managed to stay alive and made it all the way to the hospital while Steve had died on the ambulance. Bucky and Peggy arrived at the hospital at the same time with bloodshot eyes and rumpled appearances. But their paths separated when Peggy had been taken into the intensive care unit and Bucky was taken down to the morgue.

Steve had died knowing that he would never see the love of his life again, and despite the peaceful and calm feeling that seemed to wash over him, he didn’t want to be dead. He fought so hard to stay alive but his efforts were futile. He felt his soul leave his body and had the misfortune of being present (or as present as a dead being can be,) when the nurse had brought Bucky into the room where his cold body was laying.  It had been horrible, to say the least. To see the love of his life, break down in front of him and not being able to do anything about it. Bucky was a total mess in front of him. He was hugging on to Steve’s body for dear life, shaking him and yelling at him to please wake up. It was horrible, specially seeing Bucky crying uncontrollably.

Steve began to scream then, walking in front of the brunette and trying to touch him. He couldn’t though, and everything he did went unseen and unheard and Steve didn’t know what the fuck was going on but he wanted it to end.  He saw how the nurses had to drag Bucky away from his body. How they had to sedate him and call for backup when he started fighting them. Steve had never felt so helpless in his life and he felt himself shattering. Everything around him went dark and he felt himself falling down. He didn’t know what had happened, but when he came through, he was in a different room. He felt more solid and whole and could actually hear the steady beat of his heart. It was odd, since Steve’s heart had never sounded as strong before.

And then he was able to register the other sounds in the room. The beeping of the monitors, the drip-drop of the IV.

_Strange._

He knew he had died; knew he was no longer a part of the living. Yet here he was, in a bed, breathing, heart beating. Pretty much alive. He was afraid to open his eyes though, afraid of what he would see. Was he in heaven? Was he about to face God or whatever? Or better yet, was he sleeping? What if this was all a dream and he was waking up now? What if the doctors had actually managed to save him and he was now waking up? What if he found Bucky on the other side when he opened his eyes!

With that thought in mind, Steve’s eyes had snapped open. Frantically blinking and looking around the room. He was dying (no pun intended) to see Bucky. Wanted to see that his baby was okay and not having a mental breakdown in some cold room in the basement. He wanted to hold him and kiss him and tell him that he loved him so fucking much and that he wasn’t going anywhere. _Till the end of the line._

But Bucky wasn’t in the room.

Instead, there was a woman curled up on a chair, who later on turned out to be Peggy.

At the time, Steve hadn’t known that, and he was pretty positive that he didn’t know who she was. Her long brown hair was lanky and oily and obscured her face. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and she was hugging it with her left arm. From where Steve was laying, he could see she had a ring on her left finger. It was odd though, because Steve was pretty sure he didn’t know any female brunette. He tried to sit up on bed but couldn’t. His whole body feeling weak and worn out. The machines around him started beeping uncontrollably, startling the woman.

Steve watched her as she shot up from her seat, looking at him with wide eyes that lit up after a couple of seconds. A big smile appeared on her delicate face, and tears began to gather in her eyes.

“Stephen!” She exclaimed, almost running towards him. She threw herself at him, hugging Steve to her body and pressing kisses to his face.

“Oh Stephen! I knew you were going to wake up,” she cried against his chest. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me.”

And Steve was so fucking confused. He didn’t know who this lady was or why she was calling him Stephen. He felt uncomfortable with her hugging and kissing him in this matter and Steve didn’t know what to do. Just when he was about to tell her to stop, the woman pulled away and looked into his eyes.

“Steph?” She asked, her eyes red and teary. “Are you okay hun? Need anything? Oh my god you bloody idiot! You gave me the scare of a lifetime!” She exclaimed, moving away from him and wiping her eyes furiously. “I swear to god, I leave you alone for one minute and this happens!” She flung herself at him again and kissed him straight in the lips.

“Uh.” he simply said and watched as the blonde moved away from him again.

“What’s wrong? You okay?” She asked, looking concerned. “Oh fuck,” she said moving back, “I need to go get the doctors!” She exclaimed and before Steve had a chance to say anything, she left the room. He just laid there in pure confusion, trying to decipher what the fuck had just happened. But he was also very, very tired so he decided to shut his eyes for a moment, to at least get the room to stop spinning.

+++

He came through a while later, feeling groggy and sore and asking for Bucky. This time, there were more people in the room. They all looked at him in confusion as he began to mumble Bucky's name over and over again. It sounded slurred even to his own ears, but he didn't care. He just wanted to see Bucky, he wanted to know that his boyfriend was okay.  
  
What he got instead was a thorough examination. Doctors prodding at his body and checking things in the machines. They all looked pensive but not worried, like they used to look whenever Steve was brought into the emergency room. They talked amongst themselves before agreeing that he should rest and that they'd come later. Steve didn't want that at all, he wanted them to explain to him what was going on. But he couldn't even raise his hand without feeling exhausted. So he let them leave, hoping that they'd return soon enough. Sleep consumed him soon after, and for the first time since he had collapsed in the middle of the sidewalk, he felt relaxed.  
  
“We didn't think he'd wake up,” a voice was saying. “The probabilities were immensely low, and this usually doesn't happen but,”  
  
“But what?” A female voice demanded, she sounded firm yet scared at the same time and Steve wanted to know who she was.  
  
“But he came through. He's going to be staying here for a week. We need to examine him some more and do more test on him. He also has a fractured arm that we are now taking care of, but other than that your Stephen seems perfectly fine. He should be waking up soon, but if he doesn't wake in the next ten to fifteen minutes then call a nurse.” The person said.  
  
“Okay,” replied the female, “Thank you so much.”  
  
He heard as one of them leave the room, and then felt a soft hand caressing his face. It was small and delicate. He didn't know who this person was or why she was touching him like this. The only two females in his life were his mother and Natasha, and this lady didn't sound like them. When Steve opened his eyes, he let out a gasp.  
  
“Stephen!” It was the same woman from earlier. She looked overwhelmed with happiness as tears began to fall from her eyes. She had taken Steve’s face in her hands and kissed his forehead. He tried to pull back as much as possible but she had a strong grip on his face. When he pushed her back a little harder, she looked at him with confusion. He had no idea who this person was or why she had called him Stephen.  
  
She moved back, letting go of his face as if it had burned her. “What's wrong?” She asked, and Steve noticed her British accent.  
  
“Uh,” Steve had said, his voice feeling rough with disuse. “Who are you?”  
  
Pain washed over her face in an instant and her eyes filled with unhappy tears. “You, you don't remember me?” She was shocked to say the least and Steve didn't know what to do.  
  
“I, I don’t.” He decided to be honest. “What happened?” He asked her.  
  
“Oh my god,” she said, holding her head in her hands. “They told me everything else was fine! Oh my god, I need to call the doctor.” She was frantic. Moving away from the bed and running out of the door before Steve could even say anything back.  
  
Sighing, Steve brought his hand to his face and scratched his cheek. He yelped as he felt the rough hair of a beard against his hand. What the actual fuck?! Steve had never in his life had grown a fucking beard. He didn't even know he could! He started freaking out again, and began to feel himself all over, to see what else was different.  
  
And boy was he different.  
  
His body, his goddamn body was not his own! He was bigger, way bigger than what he had been. And Oh my god, he was tall! He looked down at his legs and saw how his body almost didn't fit in the bed. It was mind boggling and impossible and he felt another panic attack coming along. Luckily, Peggy and who he assumed to be his doctor, had walked into the room.  
  
“Mr. Rowen, how are you feeling now that you're awake?” The doctor had asked with a light smile.  
  
Mr. Rowen? Steve wondered in his head. Who the fuck was Mr. Rowen?  
  
“Um, it's Rogers sir.” Steve corrected him, earning a look of pure bewilderment from the woman.  
  
“You see!” She cried, “he doesn't remember anything. You told me everything was fine!” She said accusingly.  
  
“Everything is fine,” the doctor assured her, “I don't know why this is happening to be honest. All the brain scans came out perfectly fine, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to perform some more.” The doctor told them. “Now, Mr. Rowen do you know what year it is?”  
  
Steve rolled his eyes, “2016.”  
  
“Good, good.” The doctor replied, taking notes on a small pad.  
  
“Do you know your full name?”  
  
“Now what kind of question is that?” Steve scoffed.  
  
“Just answer the man, Stephen.” The lady said. There it was again, that fucking name!  
  
“It's Steve,” he said annoyed. “Steve Grant Rogers.”  
  
Peggy looked wrecked and the doctor looked worried. “Stephen…” She said.  
  
Sighing Steve rubbed his forehead. “Look, I don't know what's going on here or why you keep calling me Stephen. I just, I want to know what's going on okay?” Steve pleaded. He was getting a headache and he felt sick and he knew something was wrong. He knew he wasn't Steve anymore and he didn't know what to do.  
  
The woman began to silently cry while the doctor looked apologetically between the two. “I'll explain what happened.” The doctor told him and the woman exited the room.  
  
“Okay.” Steve breathed in.  


“You were in a car accident,” the doctor began. “Two days ago while on your way home from work, a taxi driver lost control of his car and hit you as you were crossing the street. The injuries that you sustained had been grave, and your brain had already stopped working. The paramedics had tried their best to keep your heart alive while they drove you here.”

“What?” Steve asked In disbelief.

“They told me you weren’t going to be waking up Steph,” she lady said as she stepped closer to Steve’s bed. “They told me it’d be better to disconnect you from the machines but I didn’t want to. Something had told me that you were going to wake up,” tears were falling from her eyes again but there was a hopeful smile on her face. “Everyone in the ICU is surprised you woke up babe. It’s a damn miracle.”

“But I still don’t understand why you’re having problems with your memory,” the doctor said. “I’m going to go speak with the other doctors about this and we’ll be back in a bit.” He told them before making his way out of the room.

And even if it was crazy, Steve had understood why he didn’t have any of Stephen’s memories. It was simple really. This Stephen fellow had died as well and somehow Steve's soul had gotten inside his body! And for some reason, it made sense. Despite how crazy it seemed to be. Because Steve had still remembered how exactly he had died. Had still remembered how desolated Bucky looked as he cried over his dead body.

But why? Why on earth would something like this happen and did that mean that Stephen was dead as well? Or did he wake up in Steve's body too and was as confused as Steve was? Fuck, he didn't know. All he knew was that he was still alive and was in someone else's body and he needed to see Bucky.  
  
“Stephen,” Peggy said slowly. “How are you feeling?”  
  
Steve wanted to laugh at that. The doctors had just left the room and it was only him and Peggy now. She brought her chair closer to his bed and was reaching out to grab his hand. He didn't want her to touch him. Didn't really want to be near her at all if he was honest. But he didn't want to be rude. He also had no idea how he was going to explain to this woman that her Stephen was dead and that Steve was now inhabiting his body.  
  
He almost laughed at that, but then he looked at Peggy and saw the worried look on her face and fixed the look on his face. “I’m fine.” He told her but she didn't believe him. Instead, she squeezed his hand then brought it to her mouth and kissed it.

 


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've decided that I'll post two chapters once a week instead of just posting this everyday because I still haven't finished this story. I also will like to say that since I am starting school again on monday, there will be times where I won't be keeping up with the schedule. 
> 
> Also I think this is going to be the longest chapter in the story, (i might be wrong) and it might be a bit confusing. So if you guys have any questions, feel free to ask me any questions!!

Steve had gotten out of the hospital three months ago, and no matter how hard he tried to wrap his head around his new situation, he just couldn’t and there was no one he could go to for an explanation. He was being forced into a new lifestyle that he didn’t know anything about and the worst part of it all was that he hadn’t been able to see his Bucky. It had been tiresome and hard when he had been discharged and Peggy had taken them to their “home”. Even though the brain scans had come out clear and he didn’t know any signs of having amnesia or suffering from short term memory loss, the doctors explained to him and Peggy that his memory loss was probably due to shock and that his memories were going to come. He knew they wouldn’t, knew that he wasn’t Stephen even if the man looked identical to Steve. But Peggy didn’t know that and so he played along. Kept his mouth shut and let her guide him into this new life that he was going to have to live in. But he didn’t want to. He didn’t want any of it. The first week after being discharge from the hospital, Peggy had invited a bunch of “their” friends over. She thought that maybe the get together would clear Stephen’s mind and he’d be able to remember. But all it did was give the blonde man a headache and he had to be excused.

The following days found him and Peggy sitting on the living room couch, looking over multiple photo albums. They were full of pictures of Stephen and Peggy and had couple of shots of them and their friends as well. Peggy would tell him when and where each picture had been taken and sometimes, just for the sake of it, he’d smile at her and tell her that he remembered. Because it was killing him. Seeing how happy Stephen and Peggy had been. Their love was everywhere in this apartment, from the pictures on the wall, to how their things were set up all over the apartment. Even the kitchen held a sign of the love Peggy shared with Stephen. And to add more fuel to the fire, it turned out that the both of them had or _were_ engaged. Steve honestly didn’t know what the fuck he was supposed to do. He wanted to get out of this place so badly, to take the train over to Brooklyn and go over to his real home where Bucky would be. His friends, his family, his job. Everything was across the bridge and he just wanted to go so badly. But he couldn’t. He knew he couldn’t just waltz into his house, into Bucky’s life and tell the brunette that he hadn’t really died. He had thought long and hard about this, because he knew there had to be something he could do. But he never seemed to figure out a plan on what he should do.

Until he saw Bucky again.

He wasn’t planning on seeing the brunette. Didn’t even know why Bucky would be in the West Village, but when he stepped out of the Starbucks to wait for Peggy to come out with her coffee, Bucky walked passed him. He felt his whole world stop again, and his heart was hammering fast against his chest and he just couldn’t let the brunette walk away from him. Not wasting anymore time, he ran until he was in front of the brunette and exclaimed.

"Bucky!" The brunette’s eyes went big and wide and he sort of just stood there, gaping at Steve.

"Uh," Bucky replied, trying to school his bewildered expression. "Um." He said as he closed his mouth. Steve didn't know whether to laugh or hug the shit out of Bucky. He always looked too adorable for his own damn good whenever he was confused or shocked. It was an expression the blonde would never grow tired of seeing. And he couldn't believe he was seeing it again. When he was on the ambulance on his way to the hospital that day, his only thought was that he'd never see Bucky again. That he was going to die and go over to the other side without the love of his life with him. He had come to the end of the line and quite frankly, he didn’t want to. And now here he was, standing right in front of his Bucky and he was dying just to hold him.

"Hey," Steve breathed out. He had to control himself. Knew that this must be fucking crazy for Bucky. Seeing someone that looked just like his dead lover, only difference was the body.

"You, uh. Um, you," he stammered and walked closer to Steve until there was barely any space between the two. Steve took a shuddering breath and tried to control his heart. He didn't know what Bucky was doing but he wasn't going to stop him either. He needed to feel him closer and for some wild reason, that was exactly what the blonde was getting.

Bucky grabbed Steve's face and held it with both hands. He was studying the blonde, turning his face from one side to the other, caressing his cheekbones and jawline with gentle fingers. It felt like heaven and Stevens skin tingled all over. Leaving one hand on his cheek, Bucky took the other one and raked his fingers through Steve's blonde hair, feeling the texture with the pad of his fingers. He had a look of pure concentration on his face, and the outside world was completely forgotten.

Steve smiled a little, thinking that maybe it wouldn't be so hard to get Bucky back. That maybe he'd take the news of whatever has happened to Steve as easy as Steve had taken it. That they could move on from this and pick up where they left off. But all those thoughts went to shit as Bucky's expression fell and took various steps away from Steve.

He looked unbelievably hurt. An expression that destroyed everything inside of Steve. He hated seeing Bucky look like this, sad and miserable. He wanted to wipe that frown off with a kiss, the way he used to before he had died. But he realized that that was probably the worst thing he could possibly do at the moment. So he just stood there then, waiting on Bucky to say something. To react.

After a couple of minutes, the brunette raked both hands through his own hair and took a deep breath. "Um, shit. Sorry about that," his voice was shaking as he said this. "I don't, um. I don't know what came over me? I'm, um. I'm, I'm usually not that touchy. E-especially not with, um, you know," he gestured awkwardly towards Steve, "strangers."

That hit Steve like a truck. He felt his heart clenching painfully inside his chest and he couldn't control the tears that began to prickle at the corner of his eyes. All the while, Bucky was awkwardly scratching the back of his head and looking at the ground. He looked so fucking uncomfortable and that was destroying Steve. Bucky was usually very open, even with strangers. So to see him acting like this was weird to say the least. But he couldn't say he didn't understand Bucky, and that's what made everything suck even more.

He tried to ease the awkwardness by replying as nonchalant as possible. "No, don't worry about it dude--"

"You just look like someone I once knew." Bucky interrupts. He looks up at Steve then, and is able to see how watery Bucky's eyes have gotten.

"Oh." Steve says dumbly. He knows what Bucky is talking about and he doesn't want him to continue because he knows it's only going to upset his Bucky. But he can't exactly tell Bucky to stop talking. It would be rude as fuck as well as disrespectful. So he stays quiet and mentally prays that the brunette doesn't decide to elaborate.

"Yeah, um. My Stevie," he says with a fond smile on his lips. Steve could literally feel his heart breaking in his chest, and he wished he could hug all the pain away from Bucky. "He um," he said, looking down again. "He, he, um. Wait," he says suddenly, raising his head and staring at Steve in confusion. "How do you know my name?"

Steve was glad Bucky remembered that, because he didn't know what he'd do if he had seen Bucky breaking down in front of him. Actually no, he knew exactly what he'd do. He would of came clean right fucking there, even though he knew he shouldn't.

“So?” Bucky probed, tilting his head slightly. God, he looked so fucking beautiful that Steve’s brain decided to shut down. He couldn’t think of an answer to give him so he was the one doing the gaping now.

“Did you, um, did you know him?” Bucky asked. It visibly pained him to talk about Steve and shit, Steve wanted to come clean. To tell him that yes he knew his Stevie. That he was in fact Stevie and that he loves him so much that not even death was able to take him away from him. He wanted to tell Bucky all of this, but he just fucking couldn’t. He hadn’t even been planning on calling Bucky out like he had, but once he’d seen Bucky walking past him, Steve couldn’t control himself.

Taking his silence, the wrong way, Bucky scratched the back of his head once more and said, “Sorry, you probably don’t even know what I’m talking about,” Bucky said sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“No, no!” He exclaimed, scaring Bucky a little. “Um, sorry, but no, I mean yes,” he was babbling now, but he didn’t know what the fuck to say!

Bucky let out a small chuckle, looking amused. “Pardon?”

Steve chuckled back, “Sorry, I’m really bad at making conversation.”

“You don’t say?” Bucky teased, and Steve wanted to cry from joy because wow, he managed to brighten up Bucky’s mood.

Chuckling again, Steve decided to tease right back. “Well, I’m usually alright you know? But when I’m standing in front of a work of art, I usually get flustered.”

And fuck. Steve fucking wish the ground would swallow him the fuck up right now. He couldn’t fucking believe he had actually fucking said that to Bucky! He watched in dismay as Bucky’s face went through various emotions. He looked shocked at first and then confused. Then that slowly turned to sadness until it settled on anger. His brows were scrunched up and his fist were balled up. Steve had seen that expression millions of times before, but never directed at him.

Fuck.

Why on earth would Steve fucking tell Bucky the same exact thing he had told the brunette all those years ago when they first began to date. He was actually surprised that the both of them remembered those words, since Steve had said them during their first fucking date back in their sophomore year of high school.

“What the fuck?” Bucky said sharply.

“I, um. Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that!” Steve said, trying to sound as apologetic as possible. He didn’t want to creep Bucky out or have him hate him. That was the exact opposite of what Steve wanted.

If looks could kill, Steve would be dead all over again. The brunette stood there, glaring daggers at Steve’s face before he gave an angry huff and walked away from Steve. And Steve was going to after him and try to fix the mess he’d made, but just when he was about to call Bucky back, he felt slim arms snake around his waist and pull him closer to a slimmer body.

“Huh?” He said, before turning around and facing Peggy.

Of course. He had forgotten about her.

And as harsh as that may sound, he had a total reason for doing that.

  
“Who was that guy you were talking to?” She asked, smiling up at him. She didn’t sound mad or anything, just curious.

“Oh, him? Um Bucky.” He replied, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible.

Peggy snorted, “What kind of name is that?”

Steve knew she didn’t mean it in a bad way, and that she didn’t even know what the fuck was going on or that her real fiancé, Stephen, had died and that Steve was now living in his body. But Steve couldn’t help the growl that escape his throat, as he pushed her arms away from him. “It’s a childhood nickname.” He snapped, totally unintentionally. He was just really fucking overprotective of that name. He had been the one to come up with it too, so there was that.

She looked taken back for a second, before anger took over her face. “What the fucks gotten into you Steph? You’ve been acting so fucking weird ever since you woke up and I honestly don’t fucking know what to do anymore!” She sounded fed up with his bullshit, and honestly, Steve couldn’t blame her. He knew he was being a real fucking dick but he couldn’t fucking help it. He couldn’t bring himself to kiss her, or hold her hand. The only thing he could ever do was hug her, and even when he did, they were always short and awkward. And of course, Peggy was sharp as a tack and knew when something wasn’t right. But every time she asked, Steve told her that he was just tired and that he really didn’t remember much since the accident.

In reality though, he just didn’t fucking know what to do. He wanted to end things with Peggy because he wasn’t Stephen and he dind’t love her. But how did you break up a ten-year relationship and a fucking engagement? Stephen had been her Bucky and he didn’t want to take that away from her. He didn’t even know how. But he couldn’t even think about kissing her, or loving her without feeling guilty or wrong. He couldn’t fucking cheat on the love of his life, even if the other man thought he was dead. But he couldn’t hurt Peggy like that either.

He’d been staying with her after he’d gotten released from the hospital over a month ago, and even though he didn’t like her in a romantic way, he did like her as a person. She was a very smart and beautiful woman, inside and out, with a mind of her own. She didn’t take anyone’s bullshit and she cared too much about those she loved. If Steve had met her before he’d die, he was pretty sure that he would actually love to have the brunette as a friend.

“Are you just going to stand there and stare at me all day Stephen?” She asked. She was pissed as fuck and Steve wanted to fucking cry. It seemed like today was the day to fuck everything up and he just wanted to go home and sleep. And then he remembered that home wasn’t with Bucky anymore, and that thought made him want to die all over again.

“Okay, you know what? I’m going to Angie’s house. Text me when you’re feeling better and maybe we can sit and fucking talk about your godforsaken attitude.” She snapped as she took her phone out of her bag and angrily typed something into it. Few seconds later, she took her sunglasses out as well and put them on before walking away from Steve.

“FUCK!” Steve exclaimed loudly, startling an old lady that had walk passed him. Threading both hands through his hair, he pulled at it in frustration. How on earth had he managed to fuck up this much? And what the fuck did Peggy mean when she said they needed to talk about his attitude? Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He cursed himself over and over again, wondering why the fuck this shit was happening to him. He hadn’t asked for this shit. Didn’t even know something like this was possible. And right now, even though it pained him, he wished he had actually died.

+++ 

Being inside of Stephen’s body was just making things worse for everyone. He was unintentionally hurting Peggy, a woman that loved her Stephen so much, it almost matched his love for Bucky. And lets not forget how much he had just offended and most likely hurt the love of his life. He knew that saying that was the last thing he should have done. Especially since he knew no one else had ever heard Steve saying that.

He needed to do something about it. Needed to fix this with both brunettes.

So he walked in the direction Bucky had gone off and prayed that he could find him in time.

And it seemed like luck was on his side when he spotted the brunette going into a bar a couple of blocks away from where Steve was. And wow, what the fuck was Bucky doing at a bar at 3 o’clock in the afternoon? The brunette wasn’t even that much of a drinker, and to see this action from his lover, sent warning bells ringing all over his brain. So he ran towards the bar and made his way inside.

There were only four patrons at the place plus the bartender. He scanned the room until he spotted Bucky at the back and made his way towards him. He had a death grip on his beer and was staring off into space. Steve didn’t know how he should approach him, or what he should even say to the other man. But fuck, he wanted to say too much. Wanted to apologize for hurting him. Wanted to tell him how much he loved him and missed him. Wanted to tell him that he was here, alive and with him.

“Hey.” He found himself saying. Bucky flinched and looked up, eyes widening in shock before they turned to anger.

“What the fuck do you want?” He asked.

“I, um. I came to apologize.”. It broke his heart into millions of pieces to see the love of his life treat him like a stranger and look at him with so much hatred. He felt his throat closing in, his palms sweating and tears stinging his eyes.

“I don’t need your apology. I need you to leave me the fuck alone.” Bucky spat before turning his attention back to the wall in front of him.

“Please,” Steve managed to croak out. He was on the verge of breaking down and he didn’t know how to control it. “Just hear me out.”

Bucky scoffed and looked up at him once more. “Why did you follow me here? Are you going to taunt me some more? What type of sick fucking game are you playing at?” There was so much venom in his voice even though it had started to waver a bit and Steve hated himself so fucking much.

“No, Bucky, no--.”

“Stop fucking saying my name!” Bucky shouted as he stood up. The room went quiet and all eyes were turned on them.

“Is everything alright gentlemen?” The bartender asked, looking ready to call the cops on both of them if anything happened.

“Y-yea, um, sorry.” Steve said, lowering his head in shame while Bucky just glared at him some more before storming out of the place.

Steve knew he shouldn’t have followed him, but he wanted to clear shit out with Bucky. Wanted to be closer to him even though the encounter was just breaking his fucking heart.

“Come on, Bucky just hear me out.” He said once they got outside.

“Hear you out with what? Huh? I don’t fucking know you dude, stop following me. You apologized to me and I don’t accept it so just leave me the fuck alone ok. Stop.” He was sobbing now, and Steve just wanted to reach out and hold him.

Bucky please--” 

“I don’t know what sick bastard put you up to this but you’re fucked up for going along with it. Your sick and twisted and I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.” Bucky was visibly upset now, and Steve’s heart just continued to break as he heard his Bucky talking about him like this.

“No, Bucky let me just explain— “

“Explain what?” He yelled again, hands raised above his head in an exasperated motion. “That you’re obviously playing a sick game on me? That you’re getting off on seeing me suffer,” Bucky looked down at the ground, his long hair falling forward and obscuring his face. “Jesus Christ, I don’t even know why I’m even bothering with you right now, you fucking asshole.” Bucky said as he pushed his brown hair away from his face.

“I, I don’t know what you’re talking about Bucky, but please can you just let me explain.”

Bucky laughed. It was hollow and cruel and he didn’t like it at all. It pained him even more but he couldn’t back up now. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if they parted ways with Bucky hating him.

“What the fuck are you going to explain huh? My God. Where the fuck did they even find you?”

Steve looked at the brunette in confusion. “What are you on about?”

“Oh please. Who put you up to this anyway? Was it Brock? Alexander? Or was it that asshole Zola?” Bucky scoffed again. “Of course it was Zola! Or maybe it was all of them together. Wow, I can’t fucking believe this. I know they hated us but I never thought they’d do some shit like this.” Bucky was talking mostly to himself now, and Steve did nothing but stare at him in confusion.

“Bucky, why are you talking about them?”

“Stop acting like you don’t fucking know!” Bucky shouted at him and people were now staring at them once more. “They fucking hired you to torment me didn’t they! To drive me fucking insane! But listen here mister, what ever sick fucking game they’re playing, I’m not going to fall for it. I know you’re not my Stevie. The two of you could have the same fucking face and look pretty much identical but I know my fucking Stevie and I know his body and his eyes, and his, his face, and…” he began trailing off as tears began to fall from his eyes and his breathing became hard and labored. “I know my Stevie and I know, I know he, he died, he died and I wasn’t there for him and I love him and I know him okay. I know him and I know you’re not him. Could never be him. I know him, I, I…” Bucky stammered before he collapsed. Steve reached out to him before he fell to the ground and held him in his arms.

This was too much. Too fucking much. Life was playing a cruel game with them and Steve wanted it all to stop. He held the brunette in his arms before lifting him up and carrying him bridal style. This was the only good thing about this whole thing. The fact that he could now carry Bucky without breaking a sweat or damaging his back.

But fuck. His heart was torn in two as he looked down Bucky. Of course the other man would think that way. Steve and Stephen were pretty much identical. Everything, from the hair color to the moles on his face were the same as Steve’s. The only difference was the beard that he now seemed to be able to grow, the height and the muscle mass. It was all so fucking bizarre to Steve and he cursed himself once more for having come after Bucky. But it was too late to ponder about his mistakes. Now, he had to get the brunette to his place before someone called the cops on him. And honestly, he was surprise no one had stepped into the argument before, since Bucky had been pretty loud.

Holding him closer in his arms, Steve began to walk towards Peggy’s apartment. He was also glad that her apartment was only a couple blocks away from where they were at, so the walk wasn’t too long. After struggling with the both, the front door and the door to his apartment, Steve made his way into the apartment, surprised that the brunette hadn’t waken up. It only showed Steve had utterly tired his Bucky probably was. Without a second thought, he brought the brunette to the spare bedroom in which he had been sleeping at. After he had gotten back from the hospital, he had refused to sleep in the same bed as Peggy, even though she had cried and begged for him to not do that. He just didn’t find it in him to do so.

He placed Bucky gently on the bed, then stood back. He didn’t know what to do now, whether he should stay in the room until he woke up, or wait for in the living room. However, before he could step away, Bucky began to stir. Seconds later, he began to open his eyes. Steve held his breath, unsure of what was going to happen or what he should do.

“W-where am I?” Bucky said groggily. He looked disoriented for a second, before he sat up in bed.

“Where am I?” He asked more clearly. “Why did you bring me here?”

“Hey, it’s okay. I, um. You fainted and um, I-I brought you to my place.”

Bucky stared at the blonde in disbelief for a moment before he sighed. “What is it that you want from me?”

“To explain myself.”

“Will you leave me alone after this?” Bucky asked.

“I might.” Steve replied truthfully.

“Okay, whatever. Just. Get on with this please.”

“Okay,” Steve said, not really knowing where to start. “I, um. Okay.” He was nervous, and Bucky seemed to notice because the brunette looked exasperated but amused at the same time. This brought a bit of hope into the blonde's’ heart. Maybe he could get Bucky to understand and they could figure what to do together.

“Any day now.” Bucky deadpanned

“Um, okay,” Steve said again as he sat down on the bed. Always mindful of the space he gave the brunette.  Steve didn’t know what to say or how to start. He knew that if he told Bucky straight up that he was Steve, Bucky was going to most likely punch him in the face. So he decided to go with the next best thing.

“I knew Steve.” He said and waited for Bucky’s reaction.

“W-what?” Bucky asked.

“Y-yeah. I um. I knew him,” Steve replied. “F-from college.”

“Really?” Bucky asked him, clearly surprised. “Steve never told me about you.” He sounded hurt as he said this.

“We weren’t really friends,” Steve told him. “Just, um. Shared a class together.”

“W-what’s your name? Maybe he did mention you or something.”

“I-it’s Stev— um. Stephen. And uh, I doubt it? Like I said, we only had like, two or three conversations.”

“Wow, so, you knew my Stevie?”

Steve couldn’t help but smile. The hatred from the brunette’s eyes seemed to fade away and turn into wonder.

“I did. He was very um, nice,” He said, finding it weird to talk about himself in this way. “He always talked about you actually.”

“Really?” Bucky said as his eyes widen in surprised and he moved closer to Steve.

“Yeah, that’s actually how we started talking honestly. He, um. He sat next to me in one of our history classes and he asked if I, um. If I was seeing anyone because apparently I had a look on his face that matched his own.” Steve found himself saying and as he looked up at Bucky. He was finding it so easy to lie, even though the lie wasn’t really a lie. He had in fact had a similar conversation with someone on his first year of college. The only difference was that the person had been a girl name Jane whose boyfriend was studying in London.

“Keep going.” Bucky almost whispered.

“Well, I told him that I was. That I had a wonderful partner that was away in college, following their dreams. In return, he told me all about you and how much he loved and missed you. He told me you were the most beautiful person in the world and he even showed me a picture. And, um he, he told me that line I said to you before. And um, When I saw you today, it was crazy. You were even more beautiful than I had remembered you to be. And, I’m sorry if I crossed a line or if I—“

“You just look so much like him,” Bucky said, inching forward and bringing a hand up to Steve’s face. He held his face in his hand and looked into Steve’s eyes. “It’s fucking uncanny. Even your eyes are the same color. Your nose, the texture of your hair.” He said as he lightly tugged on Steve’s blond strands.

“Y-yea, it was crazy. Seeing how similar we looked.” Steve told him. Because it was. The first time Steve had walked into the bathroom of the hospital and looked into the mirror, he almost fainted. The man staring back at him was clearly him. The only difference was the fucking body and beard he was sporting. Other than that, this Stephen dude could he his fucking doppelgänger.

“How come Stevie never told me about you though. And how come you two didn’t become closer friends?”

“Uh, um. We, um. That was the only class we had together and after that I never um, I never ran into him again. We um, didn’t think about exchanging numbers and um, yeah.”

“He died.” Bucky said, wringing his hands together in his lap.

Steve didn’t know what to say to that. He really didn’t want Bucky to bring that up either because he didn’t want to see the love of his life breaking down in front of him. Because he knew that if he saw that again, he’d tell Bucky everything. Consequences be damned.

“He, um. He died a couple of months ago and you look so much like him so I thought. I thought someone had hired you to torment me or something and I just. I can’t, you know? I can’t deal with, with someone tormenting me like this so I’m. Um, sorry,” he said as he wiped tears away from his eyes. “He was the love of my life and I couldn’t even say goodbye to him. And when I saw you, when I heard you say those words, I just. I. I hope you’re telling the truth. I hope none of those assholes hired you or put you up to this. I hope that you, that you’re not doing this to hurt me.” His tears were flowing freely and he looked so goddamn broken. Without a second thought, Steve reached over and pulled the brunette closer to him. Engulfing the other man in a tight embrace.

It felt magical. To hold the brunette in his arms again. To feel his body pressed against his. And to his utter surprise, Bucky was hugging him back.

Steve wished they could stay there, curled up together like old times. Bucky still smelled the same. A minty scent that drove Steve crazy. The blond found himself burying his nose on the crook of Bucky’s neck as he pulled him closer to him.

“What the fuck is going on here!” Peggy’s voice broke through the silence, startling Bucky and Steve apart. Bucky looked surprised as he stared at Peggy in confusion.

“Uh, Peggy, I can, I can explain.” Steve said as he got out of bed.

“I sure as hell hope that you do. What the fuck Steph! Who is this person?”

“Uh, I think I should go.” Bucky said awkwardly as he got to his feet.

“No, I want you to stay right over there and tell me what the fuck you were doing hugging my fiancé.” Peggy snapped at him.

“Fiancé!” Bucky said in disbelief, “You never told me you had a fiancé.” He looked over at Steve, accusingly.

And if this was happening to someone else, Steve would have been laughing by now. Because shit. Why did Peggy have to walk in at this exact minute? And why did Bucky look so offended at the fact that Peggy was engage to Stephen.

“Yes, fiancé. Now who the fuck are you? Are you sleeping with Stephen?”

“What? No!” Bucky yelped. “I’m not fucking anybody.”

“Peggy, come on, be reasonable.”

“Reasonable, reasonable! Stephen you fucking jackass how dare you tell me to be reasonable! You refuse to sleep in the same bed as me. You don’t even touch me and whenever I try to talk to you you always have this uncomfortable look on your face and now I find you cuddling up to this!” Peggy was livid, and Steve had no idea how to stop this madness. “And wasn’t this that guy that was outside the Starbucks this morning? I honestly can’t fucking believe you.”

“No, Peggy, it’s not like that,” he told her, looking from her to Bucky. “Bucky’s a friend and he fainted so I took him here.”

“Yeah, that’s what happened lady. Look, I don’t care if you believe me or not but me and Stephen have nothing to do with each other. Trust me, the last thing I want right now is to hook up with someone. I buried the love of my life two months ago and I think it’d be rather disrespectful to his memory if I laid in bed with another man. Now, if you’ll excuse me.” Bucky said before storming out of the room.

“Jesus Peggy, did you have to do that?” Steve asked, walking towards the door.

“Oh no you’re not!” She said, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into the room. “You have a lot of explaining to do Rowen, a lot.”

“What do you want me to explain Peggy? I told you that Bucky is just an old friend that I ran into and helped out today. There’s nothing more to the story.”

“You act like me and you don’t share the same fucking friends Stephen! I know everyone you know just like you know everyone I know so don’t you dare lie to me. Who the fuck was that guy?” She asked.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“He was the boyfriend of someone I knew briefly.” Steve decided to go with the lie he had said to Bucky.

“Of who Stephen?” She asked crossing her arms against her chest.

“Someone from a class I took in freshman year. He um, he told me about Bucky and showed me a picture of him and today I ran into him twice. The second time was when he fainted and so I brought him here to rest.”

“And why were you hugging him?”

“He was telling me about, um he was telling me about S-steve and he um, he broke down and I was consoling him.”

Peggy’s expression softened a bit after that, but she still looked dubious. Steve didn’t blame her. He was acting weird with her and wasn’t giving her any real explanation. And it wasn’t like he could anyways so that was that.

“I know I’m being weird and I know I’m hurting you,” Steve began, holding on to Peggy’s arms. “But I’m trying my best to give you what you need. I don’t remember many things,” he lied, “but I’m trying so hard. I, I’m sorry.”

“I want you to stop apologizing and start acting like the man I fell in love with. You’re so different from who you used to be and I’m scared that you don’t love me anymore. Everybody thinks I’m brave and that I don’t need a man to make me happy. And that’s true, because I don’t. But I’ve been in love with you Stephen. I’ve been in love with you since freshman year of high school. You were everything I ever wanted and I felt so lucky when you reciprocated my feelings. We’ve been together all this time and now you’re acting like you don’t even know me and that hurts. It hurts more than you think and I just want you back.” She said, walking away from Steve.


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So i know I said i was going to do two chapters every week but i'm like bored out of my mind, nothing to do, and i just low key wanna get this out of the way, ya know? Like have most of the chapters written out already, but i also don't want to publish like 8 chapters in one go... Ok anyways, what i'm trying to say is... Here's chapter 3!! It's pretty short too but it moves the story along!! 
> 
> Again, please let me know if you guys enjoyed this chapter or if you guys are confused about anything. Like just let me know and I'll answer all of your concerns.

The following days were awkward as fuck, to say the least. Peggy ignored him and he didn’t feel comfortable enough to stay alone in the apartment. He felt lonely and bored as he walked the streets of Manhattan. Wishing that he could meet up with his friends. That he could meet up with Bucky. But he couldn’t do that either. Couldn’t ring up Natasha or Sam, or Tony. Couldn’t go over to Bucky’s moms house and pay them a visit. He found himself sitting alone at the bar where he had found Bucky in the other day. He sat all the way in the back with a beer in hand. He didn’t know why he was here, or why he wouldn’t leave. It was already 3:30 and he had arrived at 1. The beer was warm and disgusting by now, but he didn’t care. He just sat there, thinking about everything that was taken away from him when he had died. Thinking about all the things that had been taken away from Stephen. He was so deep inside his own head that he didn’t hear the footsteps or the clatter of a chair. He didn’t even notice when someone else sat down right in front of him. Not until Bucky had open his mouth and muttered a small “hey.”

“Oh, you’re here!” Steve smiled. Finally feeling a sense of peace within himself.

“I am,” Bucky gave him a small smile. “I, uh. I come here sometimes. When I want to get away from things.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. None of my friends know this place. I didn’t even know this place. But I find it easier to be alone here. I don’t have any sorts of memories tying me to Steve here.” He smiled sadly.

“Oh, well. Yeah, you can make new memories here.” Steve said, placing a hand on top of Bucky’s.

“Um, oh, how’s, uh, your fiancé? Is she the one you told Stevie about?” Bucky asked as he pulled back his hand.

Steve felt his heart drop a little at the action but chastised himself for even feeling like that. To Bucky he was only Stephen. And Stephen wasn’t Steve, even though they both looked alike. And most importantly, Stephen was engaged to someone and Bucky wasn’t a home wrecker.

“Uh, Peggy’s okay I guess. She’s pretty mad at me. And yeah, she’s the one I told Steve about.”

“Why is she mad? You told her who I was right? I can speak to her again if you want. I don’t want to come between the two of you.” The brunette said sheepishly.

“You’re not coming between us Buck,” Steve assured him, taking a hold of his hand again. “Things have been a little rough between her and me and I doubt they’ll ever be the same.”

“Oh, and how come? If you don’t mind me being noisy.” Bucky said as he took his hand back for a second time, looking anywhere but at Steve. It hurt, but Steve understood. To Bucky he was just Stephen, a stranger he had just met who looked identical to his recently deceased lover. So he understood Bucky’s actions towards the blonde. Understood perfectly fine the awkwardness and the hesitance and the nervous glances the brunette would shoot his way sometimes. Because Steve knew that he was coming off too strong, knew that he was crossing a line with Bucky but he couldn’t help it. He had Bucky right near him and he just wanted to kiss him and shower him with all the love and affection and tell him that he was alive and breathing and here, with him.

“You’re not being noisy Bucky.” Steve laughed awkwardly. “I, um, I was in an accident a few months ago,” He began, “And I, um I lost my memories?”

“You don’t seem too sure of that.” Bucky teased.

“Oh, shut up,” Steve sniggered. “I did lose my memories.” Steve lied.

“So things have been rocky between you two ever since?”

“Yep. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m not her Stephen anymore. That person died the day of the accident and I’m here now and I’m different. I don’t do any of the things he used to do, or even like the things he used to do. I don’t know any of his friends, any of his hobbies. His quirks! I know nothing of that man and yet I’m supposed to act like I do. Like I know him inside out and It’s frustrating. It’s been three months already and that old Stephen isn’t coming back and I just don’t know how to let Peggy know. I don’t know how to tell the woman that is so in love with Stephen, that he isn’t here anymore. That I don’t feel anything for her because I don’t know her.” Steve found himself saying. He didn’t know what possessed him to say such a thing, but he was just tired of not having anyone to talk to about this. And with Bucky, well with Bucky, Steve always felt free and comfortable enough to talk about whatever was on his mind with the brunette and right now, even though he was inside of Stephen’s body, Steve felt the same way.

“Wow,” Bucky replied, looking a bit lost for words. “That was something.” He chuckled awkwardly, making Steve feel like shit for bringing all of that out.

“Sorry, I just. Um I don’t know, that’s just how it is.” Steve shrugged.

“Hey, it’s okay you know,” Bucky said, this time reaching out to take Steve’s hand in his. “Shit happens and if you don’t feel comfortable in the relationship anymore then just break up with her.”

“I know! I just, I don’t want to hurt her. She shared so much history with him,” he exclaimed, before realizing what he had said and backpedaling to fix his error. “I mean, with me. We shared so much stuff together and It will destroy her if I just ended everything. But God Bucky, I’ve tried so hard to get to know her. To be there for her in the way that she needs me but It’s hard,” he says, trailing off. _It’s hard because I can never love her the way she loves Stephen because I belong to you Bucky, you and only you and I love you and want you and not even death was able to keep us apart because here I am, here I am alive and sitting across this sticky table with you and Peggy is the last thing on my mind because I don’t love her and never will and that is going to destroy her._

He doesn’t say that though. Instead, he takes a deep breath and then continues. “It’s hard because I can’t remember our past and I don’t feel anything when she tries to get physical with me.”

“Um,” Bucky replied, looking pensive. “I think you should just be honest with her. I mean, lying to her about your feelings is only going to hurt her even more. Especially if you keep acting weird with her. And tell me this, what happens if you meet someone? If you meet someone new and you fall in love with them? Or what if you never remember who you were before? You can’t do this Stephen. It wouldn’t be fare to you either.”

“It’s just hard, you know? I don’t like hurting people.”

“I get that, big guy,” Bucky replied. There was a twinkle of amusement in his eyes and Steve couldn’t help but smile. “But you have to think about yourself too. You know, my Stevie was the same way. He always put other people’s feelings before his own.” Bucky said fondly.

“Oh yea?” Steve asked, feigning ignorance.

“Yeah, he, um. He was something else you know.” Bucky replied but didn’t say anything more.

“Hey,” Steve said. Hating the sadness that had fallen over Bucky and wishing that he knew how to take it away without ruining things between the two.

“Let’s not talk about things that make us sad. I, uh, I know that Steve, Steve wouldn’t like it if you were sad, so um. Let’s do something fun okay?” He asked, wishing that this wouldn’t be taken in a bad way.

Bucky was quiet for a moment before he slowly nodded his head. “Okay. What should we do?” He asked, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear.

“You ever been to Coney Island?” Steve asked with a smile.

 


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might post another chapter later on tonight! Hope you guys enjoy this one :]

Steve went home that night feeling light and happy. For once after waking up in Stephen’s body, he felt like he could have his old life back. Him and Bucky had had an amazing time together. Steve told him everything about himself, even though he had to lie a bit so that his interest wouldn’t seem as similar to Steve’s (even though he was Steve.) In return, Bucky told Steve a lot about himself, and Steve had to act as if he didn’t know every single detail about Bucky’s life. He also ended up learning about what the brunette had been up to in the months following Steve’s death. Bucky told him how he couldn’t go to any of the places he used to go to with Steve and that because of that, he’d been hanging out in Manhattan a lot. He told him that his friends were coping and handling the situation much better than him but that they still missed Steve something fierce. He told him about how he’d been crashing at Sam’s place because he couldn’t find it in him to go into his house that he had shared with his boyfriend. And Steve was dying to tell Bucky that he was alive. That he was here and that they should go to their home. He wanted to tell him how much he missed their small apartment and his bed and the worn-down furniture. But he couldn’t do any of that so he just nodded along and kept quiet.

They had stayed out until late and when it was time to say goodbye, he wasn’t ready to go. But now here he was, laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling. A hopeful smile on his face as he thought about all the times he made Bucky laughed. He wondered whether he could make the brunette fall in love with him in this new body. Maybe then, Steve would be able to tell him that he was Steve and not Stephen. But he knew that if that happened, Bucky was most likely going to blame himself and feel like he was betraying the love he felt for Steve. And then if Steve told him the truth about who he was then Bucky was just going to think he was crazy and most likely hate him.

Fuck.

How the fuck was he supposed to deal with this shit. Every scenario that he formulated always ended up with Bucky either hating him or thinking he was crazy. He wouldn’t be able to deal with himself if he drove Bucky away from him. His thoughts were interrupted by a tentative knock on the door and he slowly sat up from bed. “Yeah? He called out.

“Um, can I come in?” Peggy asked.

“Uh, sure.” Steve said as he got off from the bed.

“Hey, can we talk?” She asked as she entered the room.

“Yeah, we can.” Steve told her, sitting back down.

“Okay so, I um. I’m sorry.” She told him, looking worn out. Steve hated the fact that he was the reason behind this. That he was slowly draining this strong and admirable woman out of that undying energy she seemed to have. Over the course of three months, Steve had gotten to know Peggy Carter and he liked her as a person. He liked her so much that he even considered giving it a go. But he just couldn’t. He really fucking couldn’t. He would never love Peggy the way she wanted to be loved. He’d never be able to care for her the way she deserved and she deserved so much better than Steve, who only saw her as a good friend.

“Sorry for what?” He asked her.

“Sorry for snapping at you and for not listening to you and for pushing you to remember.” She sighed. “I just, I’ve missed you so much and I feel like we’ve been drifting apart ever since that accident. And I don’t know who to blame because putting the blame on you just seems so fucking wrong. I just, I want you to remember but I don’t think we’re going at it the right way.” She said as she looked up to him. Her eyes were full of tears and Steve felt like an asshole.

“We should call the engagement off. Call it off and, and just date again.” She said, sitting up straight and wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Date?” Steve asked, a little confused.

“Yeah, date. I can’t force you to be engage with me if you don’t even remember our relationship, so we should start all over again and if along the way you get your memories back, then we’ll just come back to this,” she said as she grabbed his hand. “We come back to being us.”

There was a hopeful glint in her eyes and she squeezed his hand fondly.

And here he was. Being double fucked today.

He didn’t want to date Peggy. He knew that even if he did he wouldn’t fall in love with her because no matter how straight Stephen used to be, _Steve Grant Rogers_ was 100% gay. It didn’t matter how beautiful or smart or brave Peggy was. It didn’t matter that Steve liked her like a person. None of that shit mattered because he could never see her as nothing more than just a friend. So dating her would only lead her on and hurt her more. Dating her would only drive him further away from Bucky. Dating her would not bring back the memories of dead man. But he didn’t know how to tell her. He didn’t know how to say all the things that he had said to Bucky earlier on today. He didn’t know how to explain to her that he would never love her without breaking her heart.

He took a deep breath before tugging his hand out of her grasp, noticing the frown that appeared on Peggy’s face. “I don’t think that’s a good Idea Peggy. I think, it’s best if we just called this off and I left.”

“Left? Are you serious right now?” Peggy asked incredulous.

“Yes. Yeah, please, hear me out.” He told her.

“Ok, I’m listening.” She replied, looking very upset.

“I, I don’t know who I am. I don’t remember anything about who I was and I don’t feel like I’m the Stephen you knew and loved. I, I’m a different person right now Peggy and I think I should just go somewhere away from all of this until I figure everything out. If we date, if we date it won’t be the same. I won’t be giving you want you need and you won’t be happy I think I should just go.” He breathed out.

“Wow, ok. I never pegged you for a coward Stephen.” She said bitterly. “But whatever. You do whatever you want to do. I’m done being treated like a piece of meat you can throw around as you please. I’m done getting hurt by the man that promise to never hurt me. If you want to walk out of our life because you can’t remember your past, then fine. Go ahead. If you want to walk away instead of just making new memories with me then okay. You could do that too. Just know that I would have been happy regardless Stephen. As long as I had you by my side I would have been fine.” She told him before she got up and left the room.

 

+++

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _Hey, wanna hang out today?_

The text alert had woken Steve from a dreamless sleep. He blinked groggily, trying to get accustomed to the light that came in through the windows. He looked down at his phone that laid by his head and smiled as he read the text. It surprised him though, because even though the two had exchanged numbers three days ago after their small adventure in Coney Island, Steve had been certain that Bucky was not going to text him. He couldn’t help the small flutter of hope that swam all over his chest or the smile that appeared on his face. He knew he shouldn’t get his hopes, that this was probably just Bucky being lonely and needing a friend. Needing a distraction from his head. But that didn’t stop him from thinking about how it’d feel to held Bucky in his arms again, to kiss him and shower him with all the love in the world.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _It’s ok if you don’t wanna. I know this is kinda last minute stuff but I’m not working today so…_

The text alert startled him out of his mind. Grabbing his phone in his hand, Steve sat up and began typing out a response.

**_Steve:_ ** _Yes, totally! I’m not doing anything today either so we can def hang._

**_Steve:_ ** _Have anything in mind you’d like to do?_

A few seconds later, Bucky replied.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _I dunno, I kinda wanted to go to the piers, walk around a bit. We can get something to eat along the way too._

Steve smiled. Back before he died, Steve and Bucky had made plans of going to Piers and walking from the 42 street all the way to the end of Battery Park. Sadly, neither of them had ever found the time to actually take a trip down to Manhattan. Instead, the both of them had settled with going to Brooklyn Bridge park or walking around the Coney Island Pier.

But now he had the chance to go with him.

**_Steve:_ ** _Yeah, that sounds amazing actually._

He sent, and wondered whether or not that’d seemed a little bit too much from his part.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _Yeah, and the weather is nice too._

**_Steve:_ ** _Yeah, it’s pretty sunny out._

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _and it’s not even too hot out. Anyways, what time should we meet and where?_

**_Steve:_ ** _Well I think 12:30? It’s 10 now so that’ll give me enough time to shower and get something to eat._

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _Yeah 12:30 sounds pretty nice. And um, I was kinda thinking that maybe we could meet at Times Square? So that we could walk from 42 all the way to battery park._

Steve lit up like a Christmas tree at the text. He had wanted to take do this for Bucky so much and the fact that he had died without achieving this dream with the love of his life really fucking hurt. But now, even though he was in another body, even though Bucky didn’t know a lot about Stephen, Steve was still very fucking happy that Bucky had wanted to do this with him. In a way, it gave Steve hope that Bucky sort of knew that Steve was the one inside of Stephen’s body. That Steve was here with him and that he’d always be there.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _I mean, if you don’t mind? I know it’s a pretty long walk but I kinda wanna clear my head out and don’t really wanna do it alone? But if you don’t want then it’s fine ok, like we could do something else._

Bucky sent right after, making Steve chuckle.

**_Steve:_ ** _no it’s fine! I don’t mind at all. I’ll meet you at 42 at 12:30 ok?_

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _Ok_

Steve didn’t know whether he should say anything after that or just leave it at that. But there was something deep inside of him that wanted to keep texting him, just to know what the other man was doing.

**_Steve:_ ** _So what are you up to?_

Steve sent, and then waited. A couple of seconds went by, followed by minutes. Steve even found himself biting his nails in anticipation, wondering whether he was being too annoying or pushy. When he realized that ten minutes had passed, Steve decided to leave his phone on the bed and start getting ready. After showering and throwing on some clean clothes, Steve decided to ignore his phone for the time being and go straight into the kitchen. It wouldn’t do any good for him to start over reacting because Bucky hadn’t reply to his message. He knew that Bucky was most likely busy and that he wasn’t entitled to text him, but it just bothered Steve that he couldn’t even have this with a man he already had so much with. So he walked into the kitchen and pushed the whole texting thing to the back of his head. He was already going to meet with the brunette in about two hours, so he could get all the talking done there.

Like always, Peggy wasn’t anywhere to be seen so he just went straight to the fridge and took out the ingredients needed to make a grilled cheese sandwich. As he began to work on his breakfast, he heard a door opening, followed by the light footsteps of someone. Turning around, he found Peggy standing against the wall, looking at him. They hadn’t really talked about their relationship ever since she told him that they should start from scratch, and he really didn’t know where they stood at the moment, but the way Peggy was looking at him, he was pretty positive that she probably thought they were still together.

“You’re cooking breakfast.” She said with a grin.

“Uh, yeah.” Steve replied, turning his attention back to the sandwich he was grilling on the stove.

“It smells delicious in here. What are you making?” She asked as she made her way towards him.

“Grilled cheese.”

“Ooh, the classic American comfort food. Are you making some for me too?” She asked as she draped herself all over Steve’s back. He tensed up under her touch, but if Peggy noticed, she didn’t point it out and continued to snuggle up behind him.

“I didn’t know you were here, so,” he said sheepishly. “I could make you one if you want.”

“Yeah, yeah that’d be great. We can eat together. It’s been a while.” She said as she planted small kisses on the back of his neck. He felt an unpleasant shiver travel down his spine and he tried to move away from her.

“Ok, can I, can I get some space then? I don’t want to want to burn the food.” He said and she finally let go.

She began to take out plates from the cabinets and two mason jars and placed them on the small table they had in the kitchen. “Passed me the orange juice.” She told him since he was closer to it after all.

“Want some coffee?” He asked after handing over the Tropicana carton.

“Yes please. I’m surprised you didn’t start on that first, Mr. coffee lover.” She winked.

Her behavior was confusing the fuck out of Steve and he didn’t know what to do. Choosing to ignore it, he began to make the coffee. He didn’t really understand their coffee machine since it was of a newer and different brand than what he and Bucky had at their home, but had managed to figure it out. After setting everything up, he turned back to the sandwiches that were on the grill. Noting that they were done, he turned the heat off and walked over to the table to take both plates in hand.

 After plating them and bringing them back to the table, he sat down.

“And now all we need is the coffee.” Peggy smiled adoringly.

“Y-yeah. Is everything okay?” Steve asked.

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Peggy giggled as she took a bite of her sandwich.

“Uh, I, didn’t we have a fight the other day?” He asked, looking at her as she ate the sandwich with gusto.

“We did yeah, but after cooling off and talking to Angie about it, I realized that I’m not going to throw what we have away. I don’t care if you don’t remember our past, or if you’ll never remember it. I’m going to be with you till the very end Stephen. I know it’s scary for you, waking up and not really knowing who you were anymore, but I don’t think breaking our engagement off is the right thing to do anymore. I just, I feel like we haven’t tried enough or no, I’ve been trying to push all this thing on you without thinking about how stressful that is to you. So I’m just going to take everything one day at a time with you. I’m not going to force you to go out on dates with me Stephen, that wouldn’t be right. I’ll just hang out with you whenever you’re around. And on days when we aren’t doing anything we could even go outside and do stuff.” She told him before taking a sip of her juice.

“Huh?” Was all that Steve could say before he was interrupted by the beeping of the coffee machine.

“I think the coffee’s done.” She smiled and went back to her breakfast.

Once they were both done with their food, Peggy decided to help with the dishes, no matter how many times Steve protested. It was a quiet affair, similar to their breakfast and Steve had no idea about what he should say about Peggy’s new proposition. She was basically telling him that they’d act like roommates and nothing more. Sort of getting to know each other more until what? Until Steve fell in love with her? That was never going to happen and he knew that they’ll just be wasting time with this. But maybe, maybe at the end of the day both of them would walk away with a new friend. That didn’t seem too bad, and as long as Peggy didn’t cross any lines (unintentionally of course) then he’d be fine.

“Okay.” He told her once they were done.

“Pardon?” She asked as she wiped her wet hands with a kitchen rag.

“I’m agreeing to what you said before. I, um. I don’t, I don’t think I can promise you anything though. Like, I don’t want to tell you that by doing this I’ll suddenly be back to the old Stephen, but I can promise that I’ll try harder to get to know you.” He smiled lightly and felt good when she smiled back. Because he really hated making other people sad at his expenses.

“That’s great Steph! Okay, yeah that’s great,” she smiled. “Are you going anywhere today by the way?”

“I, uh, yes I am.” He told her, not really knowing how she’d take the news of him hanging out with Bucky,

“Oh, mind If I tag along?” There was a hopeful glint in her eyes as she asked, and she tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I’m actually meeting up with someone.” He told her, noticing how she visibly deflated at that.

“Oh, with who? Is It one of the guys? The Howlies didn’t tell me they were meeting you up today.” She asked as she crossed her arms across her chest.

The _Howlies_ were supposedly Steve’s squad ever since high school. The bunch of them had ended up in different colleges but all kept in touch. They were a family, very similar to how Steve and his friends had been. And ever since waking up in Stephen’s body, Steve hadn’t found it in himself to actually hang out with them. The couple of times he’d seen the Howlies had been because Peggy had either dragged his ass over to the bar they frequently went to, or because she brought the group here.

“N-no, not with them.” Steve stuttered.

“Oh. Okay,” Peggy looked put off as she stared directly into Steve’s eyes, making him feel as if he was being interrogated by his mother. “New friend then?”

“You could say that, yeah.”

“Well, have fun then Stephen.” She said courtly, her once playful mood was suddenly gone. “I’ll go over to the Howlies then.” She told him before she started to walk away.

“Tell them I said hi.” He yelled after her but she didn’t turn back around.

Sighing and feeling like an asshole, Steve made his way into the guest room and went over to his phone. A bright smile took over the frown on his face and he felt his mood turning from guilty to excited.

There were multiple texts from Bucky waiting for Steve to read, followed by what appeared to be Facebook notification. He unlocked his phone and went directly to his messages.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _Just got out of the shower_

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _sorry for not replying before. I’m having breakfast now._

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _< IMAGE ATTACHEMENT> _

Steve smiled fondly at the picture Bucky had sent him. It was of him eating what appeared to cheerios.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _nothing says healthy like a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios!!!!!_

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _anyways, what r you up to? I’m going to head out in a bit._

**_Steve:_ ** _Hey, sorry I was doing pretty much the same thing and forgot to take my phone with me. But yeah I’ll leave at 12._

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _Sweet! I’ll see you later:]_


	6. Chapter 5

“So, why the piers?” Steve asked Bucky as they made their way down to 12th avenue. They had met at 12:35 outside of the Times Square station and had been walking in companionable silence until Steve decided to speak up.

“Oh, um,” Bucky said, being caught off guard by the question. “I’ve always wanted to come around here.” He shrugged as he looked to the ground.

“It’s pretty nice.” Steve said, acting as if he’d been there before.

“Oh yeah?” Bucky asked as he looked up at him, a small smile gracing his lips.

“Yeah, I um, I went— I mean, I go there sometimes, you know. To um, to draw.” He stammers, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“You draw?” Bucky exclaimed, looking up at Steve with an intrigued look on his face.

“I, um, y-yeah I do.” Steve stuttered.

“That’s great!” Bucky beamed. “My Stevie used to draw,” he said shy but proudly. “He was so damn good at it too. Even taught art at one of the high schools in Brooklyn.” He said with a fond smile on his face.

He knew it shouldn’t make him happy, but the way Bucky talked about him, as if he was the only thing that truly mattered in the world even after he was dead, just made the blonde’s heart sing with happiness. He always spoke greatly about Bucky, especially when the brunette wasn’t around. He always bragged about his boyfriend because Bucky was the greatest thing that had happened to him and he loved him with all his heart. And to know that Bucky felt the same way about him, it just, it was unexplainable.

“You really love him.” Steve found himself saying.

“I do. I love him so much. Sometimes it’s weird, waking up and knowing that he’s gone. Like, some days I wake up and I swear to you, it’s like I can feel his little body all wrapped up around mine. I could hear his heart beating in the dead of the night and feel his breath on my neck. Even when I’m crashing at Sam’s, it’s like Steve right next to me. It drives me crazy sometimes, and that’s why I’m always in Manhattan.” There were tears in Bucky’s eyes when he looked up at Steve and the blonde had to restrain himself from hugging the brunette.

“I’m sorry.” Steve told him. Because he was. He was so, so, so fucking sorry. He hadn’t meant to die, hadn’t meant to leave the love of his life all alone in this world. He hated himself for dying even though it wasn’t really in his power. And he wanted to talk to Bucky so badly, to tell him that he had somehow gotten into this new body and that he was here to make him happy again. But the fear of rejection was too strong and he didn’t want Bucky to hate him. He really didn’t.

“It’s, it’s okay. I, um, I’m coping, I guess?” He said, but he didn’t sound too convince. “I, um. I go to therapy twice a week. A-after he died, I um, sort of went crazy?” The laugh that followed was sad and hollow.

“What do you mean?” Steve asked as they crossed the street. They were finally at the Piers and Bucky took a second to look at the view before replying.

“I started drinking a lot,” Bucky replied as he walked towards the rail that separated the sidewalk from the river. He looked sad and pensive and it made an unpleasant knot twist up in Steve’s stomach. “I, uh, I got into a lot of fights with strangers too. Spent most nights’ bar hopping and trying to get as drunk as possible. Even ended up in the hospital.” Steve was speechless. He had no idea his Bucky had gone through all of that and it killed him inside to know that he wasn’t there for him when he had needed him the most. He stood behind Bucky, debating whether or not he should just engulf the other man in a hug. Because it looked like both of them needed it at the moment. Bucky scoffed, breaking Steve out of his thoughts. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I mean, I met you like a week ago or so?” Bucky asked, turning his head around to give Steve a questioning look.

“Y-yeah, I mean. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Even though Steve wanted to know everything hat had happened to Bucky during the three months that he’d been gone.

“I do want to.” Bucky gave him a small smile. “I just, it’s just weird how fast I’m coming to like you. You’re just, I, I don’t know. I think it’s because you look so much like Steve? Like I know you’re not him, and that you guys are probably nothing alike. But from what I’ve seen so far, your personality is similar to his.” He said as Steve stood beside him.

“Thank you,” Steve said, “I, Steve sounds like he was an amazing man.”

“He was. He was wonderful. I just, there’s no one in the world like him.

Steve returned the smile that Bucky was giving him and then the two of them fell into silence. They both stared off at the river, different thoughts circulating through their heads.

“So, should we start walking?” Bucky asked five minutes later.

“Yeah, we should.” Steve smiled.

 +++

They made their way all the way to 14th street, talking to each other about anything and everything. It felt fun to get to know Bucky all over again, and in return, Steve was as honest as he could be about the things he liked. Bucky would often gasp in surprise or comment about the things he had in common with his Stevie and Steve couldn’t help but smile brightly at him.

“So, what’s your favorite movie?” Bucky asked. They had decided to catch a small break and were currently sitting on one of the benches facing the river. They had a perfect view of New Jersey and could see the Freedom Tower as well.

“Um,” Steve said. He didn’t know whether or not he should tell him the truth or lie about it. The list of things that _Stephen_ supposedly had in common with Steve was pretty long and he was afraid that if he told Bucky what his favorite movie was, the brunette was going to get suspicious. So he decided to lie and said the name of a movie he had enjoyed watching. Bucky hadn’t question his choice of movie, instead, he’d nodded along and asked him why it was his favorite.

It was becoming easier to lie about things like this. Even though Steve felt wrong for doing it, he didn’t have any other choice.

“What about yours?” Steve asked.

“You’re probably going to laugh but, um,  _Brokeback Mountain._ ”

“Really?” Steve exclaimed, because wow. Back when he was still in his old body, Bucky’s favorite movie had been _The Lion King._

“Y-yeah,” he blushed, looking down at his hands. “I just, I don’t know. I had seen it before actually, with Steve and all, but I had never really paid attention to it. Not until…not until like two months ago.”

“Oh?”

“Um, yeah I was, um I was at the hospital for alcohol poisoning and my friend Natasha came in and gave me a piece of her mind,” Bucky chuckled, “and um, well she told me that Steve would be really disappointed in me and that I wasn’t acting like the man he had fallen in love with. She told me that he would want me to be strong and to carry on. Yada, yada, yada. Um, anyways, that night I was um, I was alone in the hospital and I couldn’t sleep so I decided to turn on the TV. I was just channel surfing, and like I don’t even remember the channel but um, they were about to give the movie so I decided to just, watch it. I had nothing better to do, you know?”

Steve nodded.

He wanted to reach out to him so badly. To just lay a protective hand on Bucky’s shoulder. Grounding him, and letting him know that he wasn’t alone. Never would be alone.

“I, um. I know it might sound cheesy and all but I couldn’t help but to relate to Ennis. He had lost the love of his life just like I had and seeing how he had carried on from a heartbreak so big, made me hopeful that maybe one day in the future, I’d be able to move on as well,” Bucky chuckled wetly. “I don’t know. I just, It’s also a sad movie, so if I end up crying during it I could always blame it on the plot and not on the fact that I’m missing my Stevie.”

“I don’t think it’s cheesy Bucky. I think it’s rather sweet.” Steve said, trying too hard not to cry.

“Hey, are you tearing up?” Bucky asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.  

“Ah, um. Well, I mean,” Steve stammered as Bucky started laughing. “Shut up you jerk.” Steve said playfully as he wiped away the tears that were beginning to form in his eyes.

“I mean; I can’t blame you. That movie is sad as fuck.”

“Yeah, it is. And the way you looked while you were telling me that, it just. I don’t know, made it even sadder.”

Bucky shook his head as a small smile appeared on his lips. “You’re such a punk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so after this chapter, things are going to start moving forward between Steve and Bucky. I'm also not sure if i will post anymore this week because I haven't had the time to write any new chapters but once I do that, I'll post chapter 6.


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! There's some angst at the end but nothing too drastic. 
> 
> Let me know how you guys felt about this chapter :]

They arrived at Battery park by 2:30, hungry and tired. They decided to google a place to eat that was closed to the area and agreed to come back and eat their food there. Half an hour later, the two of them were back at the park, sitting on the grass and enjoying their food.

“So, why did you want to come over here?” Steve asked him, even though he already knew the answer.

“Well,” Bucky said as he cleaned some grease from the corner of his mouth. “I always wanted to come over here, see the beauty for myself. Like I know it’s not all that, but whenever I saw pictures or videos of the pier I always felt peaceful. Stevie and I used to talk about coming down here and walking from the beginning of the piers all the way to the end, but we just never found a time to actually do it. And the other day I woke up and I just, I don’t know,” he shrugged. “I wanted to come for a walk but I didn’t want to do it alone.”

Steve nodded his head and smiled. “Well, I’m glad you asked me to come with you.”

“Y-yeah,” Bucky stammered as he looked down at his food. “It’s been a good day.”

“I’m glad.”

They went back to eating their food in silence and once they were done, Steve got up and threw away their garbage and then returned back to Bucky. The other man had a pensive look on his face as he looked at the river.

“What’s on your mind?” Steve found himself asking.

Bucky shrugged and looked over at Steve. “I wish my Stevie was here.”

Steve’s heart hurt. Wishing that he could tell him he was here, with him.

“Not that you’re not good company,” Bucky followed up. “Its just, you know.”

Steve chuckled sadly. “Yeah, I know. It’s okay Bucky.”

“Okay, enough about me already. Tell me more about you Stephen.”

“And what do you wish to know?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Whatever you want to tell me.”

Steve took a deep breath, trying to remember the information that Peggy had given him about Stephen.

“Okay well, I’m a sports journalist.” He told him, recalling the story Peggy had told him. “I, uh, I was always into sports when I was growing up and when I turned 20 I became a gym junkie.”

“Ah, I see. No wonder you’re built like a brick house.” Bucky chuckled.

“Y-yeah.” Steve blushed, not really sure why. The only thing he liked about being in Stephen’s body was the fact that Stephen had been a very healthy person, and so Steve was finally rid of all the diseases that had plagued his body before. He also loved the fact that Stephen was ripped as fuck and strong enough to even pick up Bucky.

“Never been a fan of muscly guys before. But then again, my only type was Steve.” He said fondly.

“And what about now?” Steve asked. Hoping that he hadn’t crossed any lines.

“Well, I’m not really looking for anything at the moment. I feel like I’ve become immune to the whole romance thing after he passed.”

“So you’ll never date again?” Steve asked.

“I don’t know. Like I said, the only person I’ve ever been into was Stevie. Even when I dated Connie during middle school, I had never felt attracted to her. Steve, he was something completely different. He was my first in so many ways and I just don’t think anyone can match up to what the two of us shared.”

“And you’re not willing to make new memories with someone else?”

Bucky shook his head. “No. Because no amount of new memories is going to make me forget the ones I shared with Steve. And I just know, deep down inside me that even if I manage to move on later on and find someone knew, the memories I shared with Stevie will always come first. I don’t want to put someone in that position you know.”

“That’s understandable.” Steve nodded. He hated to admit this but he was actually quite happy that Bucky wasn’t looking to start a relationship with anyone else. If in the future Bucky did find someone else and Steve still hadn’t figured out a way to let him know that he was alive and in someone else body, then Steve would support Bucky through and through. Because at the end of the day, he just wanted his Bucky to be happy.

“Yeah, Nat and Sam said the same thing. Anyways, how did you and Peggy meet?”

“Ah, well, um. We met in high school. She um,” Steve said, trying to bring back the conversation he had had with Peggy about this exact thing a couple of weeks back. “She was a new exchange student and got placed in my class. I think, um I followed her around for quite a bit. Tried to get her to date me but she ended up punching me in the face instead.”

“Wow, really?”

“Uh, yeah. I guess I was kind of an asshole back then.” Steve said. This was one of the things he totally hated about Stephen. The fact that as a kid, he had been everything Steve hated. Stephen had been a cocky bully and hung out with a bad crowd. The only thing that changed him was Peggy. He’d stopped being an asshole but the cockiness remained. He loved to show off his body around but was very respectful of Peggy and loved her very much.

“You don’t really seem like an asshole now.”

“Well, a lot of shit has happened to me. And the accident sort of changed me.”

“I’m glad you’re no longer an asshole then.” Bucky smiled at him.

“Me too.”

“So, how did you get Peggy to date you then?”

“I stopped pestering her about going out with me and focused my time in actually getting to know her. I began to take part in a lot of things that she was on and began to sit with her during lunch. A couple of months after and Stephen was a changed man.” He smiled. The story of Peggy and Stephen was a rather cute one and it pained Steve so much that it had come to an end so quick. Unlike Bucky, Peggy wasn’t getting a second chance with the love of his life and that made Steve feel terrible. He didn’t know why life was playing with the three of them in this cruel and twisted manner but he wanted it to stop.

“That’s cute,” Bucky said, breaking Steve out of his thought. “I met Stevie when we were five and he also got on my bad side.” Steve laughed. He didn’t remember that day clearly, but he knew that he had yelled at the brunette when he had tried to defend him from some other kids that were tormenting him. “Oh really?

“Yeah. We lived in the same building but never ran into each other since that day. There was a small playground behind our building and our mothers were too busy talking to realize that Stevie was getting bullied by two older kids. I um, I went up to them and punched one of them in the neck and instead of thanking me, Stevie stepped on my foot and called me an asshole.” Bucky chuckled. “He was such a firecracker, even when he was little. It’s one of the things that made me fall in love with him. He just, he drove me fucking crazy, you know. But yeah, I hated him for a like two days and then we met again at that playground and he just,” he said, looking up at the sky and sighing. “We just hit it off afterwards.”

“We were made for each other.” Steve mumbled, not realizing that the words had actually left his mouth.

“Excuse me?” Bucky said, taken aback and looking confused.

“Ah, um. I mean, Uh, I mean you two were made for each other.” He stammered. Hoping that Bucky would ignore the slip up.

The brunette huffed in amusement. “I guess we were.”

“How come you never married him?” Steve found himself asking. When he had been in his old body, he had always dreamt of Bucky asking him to marry him. He had never actually done anything himself because even though the two loved each other dearly, they had never talked about getting married before.

“We already were.” Bucky stated.

“Wait, what?”

“Not in like, the literal sense. But, um. Steve and I, we went through a lot of shit together. Kind of felt like he was already my husband. I don’t know. Now that he’s no longer with me I wish I had actually asked him to marry me. But yeah, it felt like we were married already. He was it for me and I’m pretty sure I was it for him. You don’t always find your soul mate that young, and there are many people in this world who still haven’t and will never find theirs. So I guess I was pretty fucking lucky to have found him and I wasn’t going to let him go. We were going to be together till the end of the line. I just wasn’t expecting for him to be gone so fast.” He whispered the last part.

Steve didn’t know what to say to that. Part of him just wanted to yell at Bucky that he was an idiot. Because fuck, he had always wanted to get married to the brunette and the fact that Bucky had never brought it up had actually made Steve sad. It never made him question whether Bucky loved him or not, because he knew that the brunette’s love for him was there and real and strong. But he would have loved to have walked down the isle to meet Bucky at the altar, or whatever. But it was no used in getting upset over that. If he managed to fixed this mess this was in, the first thing he’d do would be to ask Bucky to be his husband.

“If you ever get a second chance, will you get married?” Steve found himself asking.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean just that,” Steve replied. “Let's say, hypothetically of course, that you meet someone and that person turns out to be very similar to Steve. Personality wise and all that. Anyways, let's say you meet this person and you manage to fall in love with them. Will you marry that person?"

Bucky gave him a skeptical look before shaking his head. “No, I told you. Steve was it for me. Even if I do find someone else and fall in love with them, I am not asking them to marry me. That was only going to happen with Steve and I don’t feel like wasting my time or anyone else time or money with a wedding.”

“Ok,” Steve replied. “But never say never.”

Bucky laughed and shoved him lightly. “Oh, shut up.”

 +++

By four o’clock the both of them were laying down on the grass, staring at the blue sky. They were silent once more, but it was comfortable, and Steve loved the feeling of Bucky’s arm next to his. It felt like he was back in his old body, like he hadn’t died at all. He wanted to reach over and grab his hand or stroke his beautiful face. He held back though, and placed both hands behind his head instead. He decided to close his eyes for a moment, to relax his mind and whatnot, when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He didn’t want to pick it up and he was about to ignore it when Bucky spoke up.

“I think someone’s calling you.”

“Huh? Oh, right.” Steve said before he sat up and took out his phone out of his pocket.

He looked at the screen and saw that he had 2 missed called from Peggy followed by a couple of texts from Dum Dum and Morita. He remembered those names from the stories Peggy had told him about Stephen’s high school days. Dum Dum and Morita were his best friends and had been with Stephen through thick and thin. Steve hadn’t seen the two of them ever since that time they all came to Peggy’s apartment and he had been ignoring all their texts and calls.

He wondered what they wanted now.

“Everything okay?” Bucky asked as he sat up as well.

“Uh, yeah, yeah.” He said as his phone started ringing again. It was Peggy. He debated whether he should answer it or not but Bucky was looking at him expectantly.

“Sorry about that,” he said before he picked up.  “Hello?”

“Stephen, darling!” Peggy exclaimed. “Where are you?”

“I, uh. I’m at the park right now.”

“Oh really? Still hanging out with that mystery friend of yours?” She asked, her soft voice laced with bitterness.

“I, uh. Y-yeah, I am. Did you need something?” He said, looking over at Bucky who had gone back to laying down on the grass. He had his eyes closed, clearly trying to give Steve some privacy.

“I just missed you, is all.” She said softly. “You left the house at 12 and it’s almost 4:30 and I hadn’t even heard from you. I sent you a couple of text this afternoon but you didn’t answer them. Was beginning to get quite worried if I’m telling the truth.”

“Sorry Peggy,” Steve replied, feeling like shit. It’s not like he wanted to avoid or hurt Peggy’s feelings like this. He just really didn’t know what to do when he was around her. He felt guilty that he couldn’t give her what she needed and it felt wronged to touch her in the ways she wanted to be touched. Plus, all Steve wanted to do was spend quality time with Bucky. “Time sort of ran away from me today.”

“What have you been doing?” She asked, curiously.

“Uh, walking around? Talking?”

“And can I know with who?”

Steve didn’t know whether he should say the truth or lie. He knew that if he lied to her and she found out, he’d just make this situation worse than what it was. But he knew that if he told her the truth, she’d get upset as well. So honestly, he’d end up losing either way.

“I’m with Bucky right now.” He decided to tell her. Bucky opened his eyes and shot him a questioning look.

“Don’t worry about it.” Steve murmured to Bucky, who nodded his head and closed his eyes once more.

“You’re with Bucky?” She asked, the disbelief was clear in her voice. “Why are you with Bucky?”

“I uh, he wanted to hang out.” He said as he began to get up from the ground. He knew this conversation was about to go south and he didn’t want Bucky to hear any of it.

“He wanted to hang out? And how did he even get in touch with you Stephen, I thought you told me he was the boyfriend of someone you barely knew.” She replied, her voice rising.

“Look Peggy, I don’t know why you’re getting so upset about me hanging out with—“

“Because you seem to be making time for everybody except for me and your friends!” She yelled. “I get that you woke up with no recollection of who you are but that doesn’t give you the right to treat us all like this. You told me you don’t even know this Bucky fellow, who I remind you, was snuggling up to you as if he knew you for years on your bed, and now you’ve spent the whole day with this man! I’m sorry Stephen but I just don’t know what to think!”

“You think I’m having an affair with him?” Steve asked, incredulous.

“I’m not going to beat around the bush with you because I never do. So yeah, I do think you’re cheating on me and I don’t believe this amnesia shit for a minute. So you either come home right now and talk to me, or our relationship is over.” She was breathing hard and fast now and Steve felt like pulling his hair out.

“Peggy,” he breathed out. He didn’t want to leave Bucky, but he also didn’t want Peggy to end all things like this. Not before he could explained everything to her. “I’ll, I’ll come to you okay. I’m sorry.”

He heard the pain sob that escaped Peggy’s mouth before the line went dead.

“Fuck.”


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really short chapter, but I will be posting another one tomorrow!

After walking back to Bucky and telling him that he had to go, both of them decided to take the train. Steve took the A uptown while Bucky took the one going to Brooklyn. It was a pretty sad train ride, the whole time he was missing Bucky’s company and dreading what awaited him once he entered Peggy’s house. When he got off the train he made his way towards the small bodega that was across the street from Peggy’s place before going into the apartment. He bought himself a bottle of water and drank it in one go. He took out his phone from his pocket and sent a text to Bucky. He knew that the other man was most likely still on the train, but he just wanted to talk to him.

**_Steve:_ ** _I had an amazing day today Bucky. Glad to know that you no longer hate me!_

Steve hadn’t expected Bucky to reply so fast, but the blonde didn’t even have the time to put his phone when it pinged in his hand.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _Hey, I’m sorry if I came off like that when we first met. I just honestly thought someone was paying you to play a prank on me. You just look so much like Stevie, is all. But you’re a great guy Stephen and I enjoyed myself today as well. Thanks for putting up with my bullshit even when I was such an asshole to you at the beginning._

**_Steve:_ ** _hey it’s okay. I’m just glad we were able to move past that. Would you like to hang out again soon?_

Steve bit his lip in anticipation. He didn’t want to be too pushy, but after spending almost his whole life next to the brunette, being away from him just seemed so fucking wrong.

**_Bucky <3: _ ** _I’m actually taking a break from work right now and all I do is sleep and eat which means I have all the free time in the world. You should come over tomorrow to Sam’s place. It’s his off day and we’re both going to be home doing absolutely nothing._

Steve smiled at that. He had been dying to see his friends again and now that Bucky had invited him over to Sam’s place, he couldn’t say no. He’d just have to figure what he should do with Peggy.

**_Steve:_ ** _That sounds great! Just give me his address and the time and I’ll be there._

Steve typed and sent the message as he walked inside of the building. Once he was standing by the door, his heart began to race unpleasantly. Bucky still hadn’t responded so he put his phone away, took out the key Peggy had given him and opened the door.

Peggy was sitting on the living room couch, legs crossed and looking attentively at the television.

“Hey,” he said as he closed the door.

“Hey yourself.” She looked very put together, as if she was about to go out. She wore makeup and her hair was nicely done. It didn’t even look like she was upset, which baffled Steve a little.

“So?” he asked as he walked deeper into the place.

“We’re going out tonight,” She said, taking her eyes away from the television and focusing them on Steve. “Angie and the guys are waiting for us at the bar so you should at least change your shirt before we head over.”

“Uh,” he said, sounding confused.

“Look Stephen, I’m done arguing with you. I don’t know what your deal with this Bucky guy is, but all I want you to know is that I’m not letting him end what we have. I’m winning you back.”

“Peggy, I don’t really feel—“

“Stephen please,” she sighed and got up from the couch. “The Howlies have been asking about you. They’re worried and want to see you okay. They even have a surprise for you and I’m not letting you ruin their night.”

“Fine.” He replied, not really wanting to argue with her.

He went to the guest room and took off his shirt, throwing it and his phone in the bed. While he was looking through his closet for a shirt to wear, Peggy went into the room.

“They’re really looking forward to this, Stephen.” She told him as she sat on his bed.

He looked back at her and offered her a small smile. “I haven’t seen them in a while, feel bad for blowing them off but I really don’t remember them.” He said apologetically.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I just. It’s hard, you know? Not having you remember me. Not having you remember anything.”

“I know,” he said, turning back and rummaging through his closet. “I’m sorry for making this harder on you.”

“It’s okay.” She replied.

After picking a dark blue shirt, Steve put it on and turned back around to face Peggy. She beamed at him and nodded her head in approval.

“You look lovely,” she said and began to walk towards him. “This shirt really brings out the blue of your eyes.”

“T-thanks,” Steve stammered and her smile widen. She gave him a seductive look as she grabbed the lapels of his shirt. “Uh, what, w-what are you doing?” He asked nervously as he tried to take a step back.

“I’m making you nervous, aren’t I?” She asked cheekily. She brought one of her perfectly manicured hand to his face and cupped his cheek. “I know you’re in there somewhere Steph. I know that you’re going to wake up one day and remember me,” she said, staring deeply into his eyes. “Remember _us_ , _”_ she took a deep breath and leaned in closer, embracing him. “I miss you so much.”

Steve wanted to cry. Peggy didn’t deserve what was happening to her, or the way Steve was treating her. He wanted to fix this mess, but he had no idea how. All he could do at the moment was hug her back. He didn’t say anything, didn’t make any promises. He didn’t want to end up destroying her heart even more when the time for him to go to Bucky arrived.

“Okay,” she said after a minute. “Enough sappiness for tonight. We have a dinner party to go to.” She smiled brightly, but Steve could see the tears that were threatening to fall out of her eyes.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so things will start picking up after this chapter but I won't be able to post any more chapters this week but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to post next week. (Depending on how my schedule looks like) But anyways, feel free to leave any comment as long as they're not hurtful!

The bar was crowded when they got there and Steve immediately felt uncomfortable. He really wasn’t fond of crowded places, especially loud ones. He tried to morph his discomfort but ended up grimacing as Peggy lead them deeper into the place. She looked back at him and frowned.

“What’s wrong?”

“Uh,” Steve looked down at their entwined hands. “I’m not, um, not really feeling this atmosphere.”

Peggy scoffed. “Oh jeez. Steph, baby. You practically live for places like this. Makes you feel alive or whatever,” she smiled reassuringly at him. “I’m sure it’s just because you don’t remember. But you really do love this place. Especially when it’s crowded like this. I usually have a hard time dragging your ass out of here. But if you really don’t feel like you can handle it at the moment then I can go find the guys and we could go somewhere else?”

“Uh, no, no it’s fine. Just, lets go find them.” Steve replied, swallowing.

She looked worried but nodded her head and continued walking.

“There they are!” A boisterous voice exclaimed. It belonged to a tall, burly man with a mustache. He grinned widely and got up from his chair.

“How’s it going Cap?” He said as he reached Steve and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I-it’s going good. How are you Dugan?” He tried to sound as normal as possible while his heartbeat was beating fast.

Dugan laughed, throwing his head back. “You still calling me that, ay? Jesus Stephen that accident really did a number on you.”

Steve chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I guess it did.”

“Okay you goon, stop hogging Stephen all to yourself.” A female voice came from behind them.

“Ah don’t be like that Ang.” Dugan pouted.

“Oh shush,” she told him and walked over to Steve. “Hello you, I haven’t seen you in so long!” She said as she engulfed him in a bear hug.

“Hey Angie,” He said as he hugged her back. “How’s everything?”

“Eh, could be better. I have an audition coming up next week, hoping to finally make my big break.” She smiled broadly.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine.” Steve said politely. He didn’t remember exactly what type of acting Angie did, and he didn’t want to screw up and say the wrong thing.

“Hey, pretty boy, why don’t you make yourself over to the table and talk to us as well, eh?” One of the guys who remained seated said.

Steve smiled sheepishly and made his way over to the rest of them.

 

+++

The night was extremely awkward on Steve’s part. He had no idea what any of them were talking about, and even though they had said they knew about Steve’s amnesia, they continued to talk and ask him questions as if he’d know the answer. And then it got weird when Peggy asked him to dance and he ended up making a total fool out of himself. Because Steve Grant Rogers could not dance. Couldn’t dance when he was in his old body, and couldn’t dance now in Stephen’s body. But apparently, the real Stephen was a killer on the dance floor. Him and Peggy used to own it back in the days and the stunt Steve had just pulled? Well, it received a lot of weird looks from his friends. Peggy tried to laugh it off, but Steve could tell that she was clearly worried. Because shit, having amnesia dind’t mean you forgot absolutely everything about yourself. Or did it? All of them were probably wondering that. Especially Peggy who looked rather put out about the whole situation. When they got home that night, Steve apologized to her but she told him not to worry about it.

“It’s not your fault babe. I’m just, I’m worried this is more serious than what the doctors said it was. Like, it’s been months now and you don’t even remember how you used to dance! It’s like, the accident completely wiped all of your memories, even the memories of your childhood!” She started to cry then, big sobs escaping her mouth.

“Hey, Peggy please don’t cry.” Steve said as he placed an arm on her shoulder. He hated seeing her like this, hated how often he made this strong woman break down. It wasn’t easy for him but it sure as hell wasn’t fucking easy for Peggy either. And the truth of the matter was that he was making it harder for her as well. He kept being distant and disappointing her and even though he wasn’t her Stephen, he hated it. He wished that he could somehow give her what she wanted, but he would never, ever in his life, cheat on Bucky.

He wasn’t even sure he could fall in love with anyone that wasn’t Bucky. Because to him, Bucky was his beginning, middle and end. No one else mattered the way Bucky Barnes mattered to Steve. But the gut quenching guilt that he felt whenever he hurt Peggy wasn’t going away and he so desperately wanted to do something about it.

“It’s okay Steph, I’ll be okay,” She looked up at him as she wiped the tears from her eyes. “I’m going to go lay down, okay. It’s been a pretty heavy day.” She smiled sadly before walking away into her room.

Steve stood there in the living room, watching her go. He was supposed to go to Sam’s apartment tomorrow and hang out with them but if he told Peggy about it, she’d be pretty fucking pissed. But Steve knew she would be sad as well so here he found himself again, unsure of what he should fucking do. Sighing, Steve walked towards the guest room and flopped down on the bed.

+++

Three days later while lounging on the bed, his phone rang. He had had to cancel his hangout at Sam's house because Peggy had been upset the morning after the bar incident and he was pretty sure that that had offended Bucky. Steve didn't know what to do about that and even though he had apologize to Bucky and told him that he had wanted to go, Bucky hadn't called or texted him in two days. Which perplexed Steve and also filled him with the hope that maybe, just maybe, he was starting to like him all over again. (Even though he wasn't in his old body). 

So he smiled brightly when he noticed that it was Bucky calling, and picked up immediately. 

“Hey.” He said as he picked up the phone and immediately was assaulted by the loud sound of multiple people talking in the background.

“HEYYY, STEPHEHN!!” Bucky exclaimed, clearly drunk. Steve couldn’t help but chuckle, Bucky was an extreme lightweight when it came to drinking and he was a very happy drunk as well. Hearing his cheery voice after three fucking months of being deprived from it felt like a fucking blessing to him.

“I’m guessing you’re drunk?” Steve teased.

“H-Hey, no, I-im barely drunk, what?” He said before laughing. “No, no Sam, hey, stop I’m Gucci.” Bucky was yelling at Sam in the background. “Sorry about that, I just really had this weird urge to call you, you know? Like has that ever happened to you before?” He babbled.

Steve chuckled once more, a fond smile on his face. “Yes Buck, all the time.” He answered truly.

“Really? You get urges to call me?”

Steve took a deep breath and decided to answer truthfully. “Yes Bucky.”

“Oh. Well, shit.” He laughed awkwardly before he went quiet. For a moment Steve feared that Bucky might hang up.

“I,” Bucky said before pausing. “I don’t really know what I’m doing to be honest. But I’m really, really happy that you told me that because I. Um. I don’t, I don’t know but it feels good?” 

Steve smiled at that, then frowned when he realized how sad Bucky’s voice was when he said that.

“I’m sorry.” He found himself saying.

“For what?” Bucky questioned.

“I don’t know,” Steve shrugged even though Bucky couldn’t see him. He got up from the bed and ran a hand through his hair. “For making you feel like this; I guess? I —“

“No, it’s okay,” Bucky interrupted. “I just, nothing has really made me feel good before. Not after he passed and,” Bucky replied, clearly choking up. He sounded like he was about to cry and that was the last thing Steve wanted. “I just, um. I don’t really know why I’m even acting this way.”

“Hey, it’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with feeling good. Steve would have wanted you to be happy.”

“But I shouldn’t be feeling this happy so soon. I just,” a sob broke out of Bucky’s mouth and Steve panicked. “I can’t.” The line went dead before Steve had a chance to say anything. He felt his heart breaking into a million pieces and felt as if he was losing the one thing that only mattered to him. Everything had been so great just a few minutes ago and now they had turned to shit. He debated whether he should call him back or not but decided not to. He didn’t want to push Bucky to the point where the brunette ended up hating him. Steve had no idea how he’d live with himself if that ever were to happen.

So taking a deep breath, Steve walked back to the bed and sat down. He put his phone to charge and decided to wait until Bucky reached out to him first.

 


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm sorry for being so late in updating this! School has been hectic as hell and I haven't had the time to work on new chapters for this story but now that i'm on spring break, I'll be able to work more on this.
> 
> Anyways this is a little short but I'll update again tonight :]

A week came and left and Bucky still hadn’t called or messaged Steve. Steve was heartbroken and angry at life for throwing all of this shit on them when they hadn’t done anything wrong. He hated that he couldn’t go and meet Bucky right now and tell him that It was okay to feel happy with him because he was his Steve. He hated that he couldn’t even go to his friends or anyone that meant something to him because to the world, Steve Grant Rogers was dead. During this time, Steve decided to spend it with Peggy, slowly getting to know her. She was an admirable person. Funny and witty and wiser than anyone he’s ever met. If they had met when he was still in his old body, he had no doubts that the two of them would have been the best of friends. Since life had given him this opportunity, he decided to take it. They spent the first few days going out to the park or to eat. It was all platonic on his part, and even though Peggy hadn’t said anything, he knew that she was aware of this and respected his wishes. He also went out to eat with the Howlies and Angie and realized that even though they were a rowdy bunch, they were funny and loyal and very similar to the friends Steve so dearly missed.

So overall, the week hadn’t been bad. But throughout the whole thing Steve felt hollow and alone. Even when he was surrounded with people there was still something missing. He wanted to reach out to Bucky so bad but he knew that If Bucky wasn’t doing it, it was because he didn’t want to. It was Monday morning now and Steve was slowly loosing hope that Bucky would reach out to him. He knew he needed to come up with a plan to get the brunette back but he didn’t have any. He thought about going over to Sam’s but quickly discarded that idea when he realized that it would only make Bucky extremely upset with him. Not to mention, showing up at someone else’s place uninvited was just downright creepy and Steve didn’t want to come off like that to his friends.

He was about to get up from bed when his phone started ringing. He reached out for it and almost jumped out of bed when he saw that it was Bucky calling him.

“Hello?” He answered, trying to sound calm and collected.

“Hey.” Bucky said slowly. There was a brief pause before the brunette continued.

“I’m sorry about the other day, I—“

“It’s okay.”

“No, it really isn’t. I should've called you back at least to apologize.”

“Well you’re calling back now, so I guess it’s okay.”

Bucky chuckled lightly at that and Steve smiled. “Punk.”

“Jerk.”

“I, um. I’m sorry for calling you drunk.”

“It’s okay Buck. We’ve all done it.”

“Yeah but I said something’s I shouldn’t have said and then I went on ignoring you and I feel like I’ve ruined whatever we were building.”

Steve perked up at that. At the idea that him and Bucky were actually building something.

“You haven’t ruined anything Bucky. I understand why you didn’t reach out to me.”

“Do you? Do you really? Because I don’t even know why I acted like that. Like, you’re my friend and it’s okay to enjoy spending time with you. Right?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. So, yeah. Just forget last week, okay? I was overreacting and I panicked but then Sam talked to me about it and Natasha also kind of hit me on the back of the head and called me stupid, but, that’s besides the point.”

Steve chuckled fondly. It felt so fucking good to hear Bucky’s voice again. He feared that it was going to take the brunette longer to come through but he was glad he was mistaken.

“What are you doing right now?”

“Right now? Oh, I’m on break.”

“You went back to work?”

“Yeah, Stevie wouldn’t want me to be moping around doing nothing all day.”

Steve nodded, because he damn right didn’t want Bucky to be doing those things.

Steve had a very strong urge to see Bucky, so he asked: “When do you get off?”

“At 7. Decided to take some extra hours,” he replied. “why?”

“Come out with me tonight?” Steve told him. Wishing that he’d say yes.

“What?”

“You heard me Bucky. Come have dinner with me tonight.”

“S-Steph, I. I don’t know.”

Steve tried to calm the erratic beating of his heart. “Please.”

“I—okay. Fine. But only because I want to apologize personally.”

Steve chuckled. “Okay Buck. I’ll see you at 7.”

“Wait, where?”

“I’ll pick you up.” He responded.

“You don’t even know where I work!”

“Then text me the address you jerk. I’ll see you at 7.”

“O-okay. I’ll see you then Stephen.”

“I’ll see you then.” Steve replied and hung up.

 

 


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so this chapter is in Bucky's pov because I think we need to know what Bucky has been feeling/thinking this whole time and I also really wanted to write in his pov. The following chapter will also be in his pov and I really hope you guys enjoy! Also, I am only caught up till chapter 12 so I won't be updating again until I've written chapter 15 so I won't be updating until maybe next month! So i'm very sorry for that. I'll try my best to work fast to update sooner than that. 
> 
> I'm working on a new story that I might be posting sometimes this week so if you're interested, please be on the lookout.

Bucky was nervous.

Well, nervous was an understatement. Bucky was pretty much nearing a panic attack at the moment as he walked back to Stark Tower. He was on his break and had decided to get his head out of his ass and call Stephen. He thought it’d be good, to apologize to the other man and maybe move on from there, but he wasn’t expecting for the blonde to actually ask Bucky to hang out tonight. And it even sounded like it was a date which was why Bucky was currently about to have a panic attack on Stark’s lobby.

Like, he didn’t know what the fuck was going on, but ever since meeting Stephen, his emotions have been all over the place. He likes the blonde. Likes him a little bit too much and that scares him to death. Last week when he had drunkenly called him, Bucky had spoken nothing but the truth. Being with Stephen made him feel as good as he had felt when he had been with Steve and he had no idea what to do. He didn’t want to develop a crush on his new friend who could be Steve’s fucking doppelgänger. Well, minus the height and fucking muscles. But yeah, no. Bucky felt like he was on his way to crushville and he couldn’t fucking let that happen. So after waking up from the worst hangover ever, Bucky had decided to put a stop to whatever the fuck was happening between him and Stephen who was also engaged to a very beautiful woman and who was clearly straight and clearly _not STEVE!_

He ended up staying in bed for two days straight until Sam entered his small guest room with Natasha in tow. His two best friends then proceeded to give him the chewing of a lifetime and even kicked his ass a bit. And he deserved it honestly. Because he was acting like a fucking idiot. But he just didn’t want to develop a crush on someone that wasn’t Steve. He didn’t want to hurt the love of his life like that. He felt like the worst human being in existence because Steve had died only three months ago and here he was, going out with tall strangers that looked just like his old lover. He also didn’t want to be unfair to Stephen. He knew that, hypothetically, if they dated, he would never love him the way he once loved Steve and that Steve will forever and always be in his mind and soul.

“Hey, Bucko. You with me?” Tony Stark’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He blinked a couple of times and realized that he was at his working station, staring at a wall.

“Ah, yeah. I am.” He said as he turned to Tony.

“I’ve been trying to get your attention for a while now, but you seem to be in another world.”

“I’m kinda tired.” Bucky shrugged.

“Uhu, yeah okay. How about we go get something to eat then?”

“Tony I literally just came back from having lunch.” Bucky deadpanned.

“Did I say eat? I meant drink. Let’s go Buckaroo, you can’t be working when you’re all spacy.”

Bucky shook his head and chuckled. “Did you just say spacy?”

Tony grinned. “I believe I did. Now come on, Bucky the vampire slayer. Let’s go get wasted.”

“Man, it’s 1:30. Don’t you think it’s a little bit too early to start drinking?”

“Nonsense! Now come on.”

Groaning, Bucky decided to get up and follow his boss and friend out of the room. Maybe being around Tony would make the anxieties go away.

+++

They didn’t though, and Bucky just felt more on edge as Tony continued to look at him from across the table.

“Are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you or do I have to get Natasha to tell me?”

“Oh please, as if Nat would ever tell you anything.” He rolled his eyes and took a sip of his beer.

“True, but I could always get Sam to tell me. Or you know, you can just stop being so goddamn secretive and tell me what’s been bothering you.”

Sighing, Bucky put down his beer and said: “I’m not being secretive Tony. I’m fine.”

“Please, do not insult my intelligence by telling me you’re fine when you clearly look like death.”

“Oh gee, thanks.”

“Look Bucky, I know you and I aren’t the best of friends and we clash with each other multiple times. But I’m here for you, okay? I’m here and I will help you with whatever you need. Now I know you decided to take some months off after Steve’s death, so I wasn’t expecting you to be back to work so soon. I know you’re a tough cookie and all that but ever since you’ve been back, all you do is work.” Tony replied, looking serious all of a sudden.

“I’m trying to catch up.” Bucky replied.

“Bullshit. You’re trying to escape the problems that are on your mind. But let me tell you something Bucky, it’s not going to work. You can’t outrun your problems.”

“Wow, who are you and what have you done to my friend?” Bucky teased, knowing that Tony was more than right.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. I’m actually being serious right now. You need to stop running away from your problems and stop bottling them in.”

“I just don’t fucking know what to do.” Bucky cracked. He was scared of falling in love again. Scared of hurting Steve even though he was no longer with him. Scared that he’d get to love someone else even more than how he loved his Stevie.

“With what?”

“I,” he said before pausing and taking a sip from his drink. “I met someone.”

Tony’s eyes widen in surprise and sat back. “Wow, I was not expecting that.”

“It’s not, it’s not like that,” Bucky stammered, not wanting to give the wrong impression. “I, just. This guy, I met him a couple of weeks ago and we sort of clicked, you know? And I feel good when I’m with him and it scares me that I’ll develop a crush on him.”

“And is that bad?”

Bucky scoffed. “Of course it’s bad! I can’t fall in love with anyone else Tony.”

“Why? Steve’s dead Bucky and you need to move on. If this guy makes you so happy then you should be celebrating instead of crying about it. Look, I know it’s hard to move on, especially after losing someone, but Steve would have wanted you to be happy.”

Bucky huffed angrily and crossed his arms. “Why does everyone keep on telling me that?”

“Because it’s the truth and you know it. You’re not cheating on him.”

“Well it feels like I am. And I don’t like it.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to see him tonight, at 7.” He said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Is it a date?”

“No! Not at all. Oh my God Tony. No.” Bucky exclaimed, feeling his heartbeat increasing and hating it. He didn’t want to feel this way, he tried to repress those pestering feelings so fucking bad, but the butterflies exploded in his belly every time he thought of Stephen and it felt so fucking similar to how he felt for Steve. And that right there made his heart hurt so fucking much.

What he shared and felt for Steve was sacred and he didn’t want to feel it with anyone else. He was serious when he told Stephen that he wasn’t going to marry anyone. He knew he had fucked up by not asking his Stevie to marry him, but that was something that had always been reserved for Steve. No one else was going to hold the title of husband to Bucky, not even if he ended up falling in love with that person. To him, Steve was the only one and he hated himself so much for not asking him to marry him when he had the time.

“Are you sure?” Tony asked, taking Bucky out of his head.

He nodded. “I’m sure Tony. Besides, he has a fiancé already and I’m 100% sure he’s straight,” he took a sip of his beer. “Not that I care.” He said nonchalantly.

Tony gave him a knowing look. “Yeah, totally.”

“I’m serious Tony. Stephen is just a friend and I’m going to keep it that way.”

Tony rolled his eyes but sighed. “Okay, whatever you say. Just know that moving on and dating someone new is okay. Steve would really want for you to be happy and in a good relationship Bucky. You deserve it.” Bucky looked down, not wanting Tony to see the tears that had started to form in his eyes.

“Let’s get back to the office.” Bucky said before draining the rest of his drink.


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey my lovelies! Super short chapter today but that's only because I was dying to update. I'm finally done with school so I will be able to fully give my all to this fic and actually finish it. 
> 
> I'm going to go work on the other chapters now and i'll most likely update today or tomorrow.

When the clock struck 7, Bucky began to panic. He was currently holed up in the bathroom and looking at himself in the mirror. His pale and nervous expression stared right back at him. He didn’t think he could do this. Go down stairs and meet Stephen. He knew they were just hanging out, but the way the blonde had asked him to hang out sounded very similar as if he were asking Bucky to go out on a date. Splashing cold water on his face, Bucky took a deep breath and willed his heart to relax. It was beating erratically and his hands were shaking. It felt stupid, feeling like this. But for the love of him he couldn’t stop it. He discovered that he was nervous. Nervous of what could happen between the two if he wasn’t careful. Nervous of the feelings that were taking over and completely ignoring his wishes. His phone began to buzz in his pocket, startling him. He took if out and saw that Stephen was calling. A big part of him wanted to let the phone keep ringing until it took the other man to voicemail, but another part of him wanted to hear Stephen’s voice. Which if he was being totally honest, sounded very fucking similar to Steve’s.

“Hello?” He asked, trying to sound calm and collected.

“Hey Buck. I’m right outside.”

“Uh,” Bucky said, swallowing hard. “I’ll be right down.”

“Okay, sweet. See you in a bit.” He said before hanging up.

Bucky groaned and then took a deep breath. _He could do this. He could totally do this._ Besides, they were just two friends who were about to hang out. No big deal. Okay, okay. Bucky could totally do this.

 Taking another deep breath, Bucky exited the bathroom and made his way down to Stephen.

 

+++

 

Stephen was waiting for him with a bouquet of flowers and a blinding smile and Bucky couldn’t do this. His heart was beating wildly inside his chest and he felt breathless in the best way possible. And that right there was the reason why he couldn’t do this. He felt so fucking happy and guilty and sad and angry and confused at the same goddamn time. He wanted to go over to the blonde and hug him as tight as possible but he also wanted to punch the shit out of Stephen for doing this to him.

His feet were glued to the ground and he couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Hey,” Stephen said, his smile slowly slipping away. “Hey Bucky, you okay?” He asked as he walked over Bucky.

“I can’t do this.” Bucky managed to croak out. He was shaking and tears were fucking falling from his eyes.

“Hey, no, no. I’m so fucking sorry Bucky. Please don’t cry.” Stephen looked so distraught and unsure of what he should be doing. He looked like he wanted to reach out and hold Bucky but didn’t know if he should.

“I can’t do this Stephen. Please don’t make me do this.” He whimpered

Stephen visibly crumbled. Shoulders sagging and his eyes welled up with tears. “I, I’m sorry okay. I just thought they’d be nice.” He said, looking at the roses.

“You’re engaged and I just lost my Steve. You can’t just… You can’t just show up with a bouquet of flowers Steph. It’s not right.”

“Fuck,” Stephen said, barely audible.

“Why did you get me flowers?”

Stephen looked down at his feet before stammering. “O, um. I just thought they’d be a nice gift you know? Since um. I don’t know. We hadn’t seen each other in over two weeks and I just thought you’d like them.” He was babbling now and Bucky hated himself for making Stephen feel this way.

“I could throw them out or um, take them back home with me.” Stephen said, interrupting Bucky’s thoughts.

“No!” He yelped. “No, that’s fine. I’ll take them.” For some reason he really hated the idea of Stephen throwing them away. But he seemed to hate the idea of him taking them home to Peggy even more. Which was stupid, but hey, Bucky was just a whole bag of stupid.

“I’ll take them.”

Stephen eyed him curiously. “Are you sure? It’s a big deal Buck.”

“Shut up,” Bucky said as he finally moved forward. “You got them for me after I acted like an asshole towards you. Of course this is a big deal.” Bucky said as he took the flowers from his hands. “Thank you. They’re very cute.”

Stephen smiled broadly then, eyes crinkling at the corner in that cute little way that was beginning to drive Bucky crazy. It reminded him of Steve but it also felt so fucking different. Shaking his head to get rid of that thought, Bucky smiled back.

“I’m sorry, by the way,” Bucky told him. “I’m sorry for being an ass and ignoring you.”

Stephen shrugged. “It’s okay Buck, I understood why you did it.”

“Yeah but still. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Yeah but you’re forgiven so it’s okay. Anyways, we should get going.”

“Where?” Bucky asked.

“I made reservations at this Italian restaurant. It’s only a five-minute walk away from here so we’re fine.” He smiled and Bucky couldn’t help the butterflies that swarmed all over. It felt so good yet so bad at the same time and he didn’t know what the fuck to do. He nodded though, deciding that he had had enough of feeling like this. There was nothing wrong with being friends with Stephen and he wasn’t hurting anyone. He’d just keep his attraction for the other man on the low.

“Lead the way.” Bucky replied.


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im the fucking worst!!! I'm so sorry for taking forever to upload this but I sort of lost interest and fell out of the fandom. But I still want to finish this baby so I'll be updating again soon!!!

Bucky had seen this restaurant countless of times before, it being so close to his job and all, but he’d never been inside or dreamed of going there. Just from looking at the entrance, Bucky knew that this place was going to be expensive. He frowned and looked up at Stephen. “Why are we here?”

Stephen’s smile fell and he looked at Bucky in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“This place looks hella expensive Stephen.”

“Oh, oh that. Yeah,” he scratched the back of his neck, “don’t worry about that. I am, um. I’m pretty loaded actually.” He looked shy as he admitted this.

“You are?”

“Um, yeah. Apparently my parents were stock brokers back in the days and had a lot of money. They um, when they died, apparently they left a lot of money under my name so.”

“Oh, okay.” Bucky nodded in comprehension. 

“I don’t use it though. Never.” Stephen put in.

“Why not?”

“I’m a sports journalist, and even though I don’t get paid crazy money, it’s still enough to help sustain myself. I guess, before the accident I wasn’t really comfortable with using that money.” Stephen explained.

“And now you are?”

“Well I’m not working at the moment. Don’t really know if I’m going back to work anytime soon. And Peggy can’t pay that apartment on her own so, I’ve been using the money. Not, not because I want to though. I just, I need it.”

“Um, and why won’t you go back to work?” Bucky questioned. Loving that he was learning more things about Stephen. 

“Uh, let’s have this conversation inside, it’s better if we’re sitting anyways.” Stephen said, gesturing towards the door. 

“Uh, sure.” Bucky said, relaxing a bit. He still didn’t like the fact that they were about to go into a very expensive place, but he decided not to say anything.

After going inside and being seated, Stephen continued their previous conversation. 

“I forgot.” 

“What?” Bucky asked, taking a sip of the water the waiter had left for them. 

“After the accident. I, um. I forgot everything about Stephen. I told you before, remember?”

“Yeah, I do.” He said, looking at Stephen intently. He remembered how desolated Stephen looked that day, as he told Bucky how he didn’t remember anything about his life. That he didn’t even know who his closest friends were. It had hurt him to see him like that and Bucky wanted to reach out and hold him. But it had been too soon. They weren’t even friends during that time, but now, now Bucky felt like he could hold Stephen if the other man ever looked like that. He could hold him just like he had held Bucky that first time they met. 

“Well, yeah. I forgot everything. Even how to do my job. I tried to go back, but I just didn’t really know what I was doing. The whole sports thing, it just, it didn’t interest me anymore. So I told Peggy that and she told me to take some medical leave. Apparently the people at the office loved me, and so does my boss and he was very understanding when I spoke with him. It’s been two months already and I want to call them up and tell that I don’t think I’m going back.” Stephen bit his lip, looking sheepish all of a sudden. Bucky reached out and grabbed his hand in his. 

“Hey, it’ll be okay. I promise.”

“Yeah, I just, I wished this wasn’t happening you know? I wish I could go back to before the accident. To be the real me again.” He looked like he was about to cry so Bucky got up and went over to him. Crouching down besides him, he grabbed both of Stephen’s hands.

“Hey, look at me. Everything is going to be fine, okay. You’ll get your memories back and things will go back to the way they once were. I’ll be here for you; I’ll be here for whatever you need. And I’m so fucking sorry for the way I acted okay. I got,” Bucky looked down and swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. “I—I got scared. I, I’m starting to feel things I thought I’d never feel and It scared me. But Stephen, your friendship means a lot to me. You found me in a time where I thought nothing else in this cruel world would make me happy but then, you came along and everything started making sense again. I found myself laughing more, joking around. Wishing to be awake so that I could spend more time with you and that. That scared me okay. It scared me to hell and I’m not ready for anything and I don’t think I’ll ever be, but I am ready for this friendship. I’m ready to be there and to support you and to make you laugh,”

“Fuck, Bucky.” Stephen whispered. He had moved his body forward and his face was inches away from Bucky. And in that moment, Bucky realized that yes, if Stephen decided to close the gap and kiss him, he’d reciprocate the kiss. Consequences be damned. Bucky wanted this, even though it was wrong in so many ways. 

“You gentlemen ready to order?” The waiter said, interrupted their moment. 

Stephen pulled back and sat up straight while Bucky cleared his throat and began to stand up. 

“Oh, I could, I could also come back again. Give you two more time.” The waiter said, blushing slightly. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No, it’s okay. But can you give us a couple more minutes please?” Stephen told the waiter, sporting a blush of his own as well. 

“Yeah that’s fine.” The waiter said, shooting Stephen a brief smile before walking away. 

Stephen looked up at Bucky and smiled, then looked down at the menu.

“Have you been here before?” Bucky asked.

“Uh, no. But apparently it’s really good.” Stephen replied.

“Yeah, it seems like it.” Bucky nodded as he looked around. 

“You know what you’re going to order yet?”

Bucky looked down at the menu and smiled. “Probably something with a lot of cheese.”

Stephen laughed. The sound was deep and rich and it reminded Bucky so much of Steve. He looked up at Stephen, wide eyed and heart racing. It was scary how much Stephen looked like Steve and in that moment Bucky was dying to reach out and kiss him. He wanted to so badly and that made him feel bad. Because he couldn’t tell if he liked Stephen because of him, or because he reminded him of his Stevie so much. 

“What’s wrong?” Stephen looked concern. He was about to reach out to Bucky when the other man shot up from his seat.

“I can’t do this.” Bucky whispered. He felt like he was about to cry and he wanted to be as far away from Stephen as possible.

“Bucky.” Stephen said quietly. The look of heartbreak on Stephen’s face only made it more clear to Bucky that what he was doing wasn’t right. He could pretend all he wanted but he knew he was beginning to fall for the other man. He just didn’t fucking know why. There could be many reasons but at the moment the only thing he could think of was that he was falling for him because he reminded him of Steve. And that right there, well that wasn’t fucking acceptable. 

“Please, just. I can’t.” Bucky said biting back the tears that were threatening to fall. 

He walked away from Stephen, leaving the other man looking stumped. People were beginning to look their way but Bucky couldn’t care less. He ran out of there as fast as he could and only stopped when he was well away from the restaurant. He wasn’t expecting Stephen to follow him, so he was truly surprise when he felt a pair of arms around his waist, pulling him back into a chiseled body. 

Bucky yelped and struggled for a moment before Stephen’s voice flooded his senses. 

“Please. Please Bucky don’t run away from me. I’m sorry okay, I’m sorry but please don’t run away from me again. You’re the only thing I have.” Stephen sounded like he was crying and that broke something inside of Bucky. He melted in Stephen’s arms and wiggled until he was able to turn around and face him. 

“Stephen,” he whispered. Shocked to see that Stephen was indeed crying. He wiped the tears away with his hands and caressed his cheeks. “Why are you doing this to me?” 

Stephen shrugged and pulled Bucky closer to him. Bucky’s heart was beating so fucking fast against his chest and he feared that it was going to explode. He wanted so fucking much but he was so afraid.

“What am I doing to you?” Stephen whispered hoarsely. 

“Confusing me. Making me feel things.”

“I’m making you feel things?” He questioned

“Yes,” Bucky replied, placing both arms around Stephen’s neck. “And I shouldn’t be.”

Stephen leaned closer and laid his forehead against Bucky’s. “Why not?”

Bucky was trembling now. So many fucking emotions were running through his body and he wanted Stephen so fucking much. It was so overwhelming and the distinction between Stephen and Steve was so fucking blurred. He held on tighter to Stephen and sighed. “Because Steve…”

“Steve would want you to be happy Buck. He’d want you to be with me.”

Oh, and how lovely did that sound. He wished so hard that that was true as he pulled Stephen in closer. To the outsiders they probably looked crazy but Bucky didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything but the man in front of him. 

“He’d want you to give us a chance. To see that we could be happy together as well.” Stephen said, placing small, fluttering kisses all over Bucky’s face. 

Bucky felt intoxicated. Like he was drowning in Stephen’s affection and he wanted more. So much more. 

“Please. Give me a chance.” Stephen whispered against Bucky’s skin, making the other man shiver. 

And then a pair of hazel eyes and plump red lips appeared in front of Bucky’s mind and he pulled back away from Stephen so fast he almost fell. 

“You have Peggy,” He shuddered out. “You have Peggy Stephen and this isn’t fair.” 

He had forgotten all about Stephen’s gorgeous fiancé, but now that he’d remember, it felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured all over him.

“No, Bucky no,” Stephen shook his head. “I told you that my relationship with Peggy is purely platonic. I can’t love her, not the way she wants and needs me to. I’m not her Stephen anymore and she knows it. I, I’m going to call things off with her. I can’t keep stringing her along like this anymore. I want her to be happy and I want to be happy too. It’s time to let go of Stephen.”

Bucky stared at him, unsure of what to say. 

“Just,” Stephen said as he moved forward again, but hesitated. “Give me a chance.”

Bucky looked down at his feet and bit his lower lip. He didn’t fucking know what to do. He needed to go home and think about this but it seemed like all he ever fucking did was think. He was tired of thinking and overthinking and taking things into consideration. 

So he acted instead. 

He walked forward and placed his hands around Stephen’s neck and pulled him closer. He kissed him in a way he thought he’d never kiss anyone else again. He kissed Stephen with such a frenzied passion, knocking the breath out of Stephen’s lungs as well as his. It felt so fucking pure and magical and he felt like he belonged. 

A myriad of feelings exploded inside of him but with Stephen’s arms around his waist, he felt grounded. He felt whole for the first time since Steve died. When they broke away for air they were both panting and flushed. Stephen looked slightly shocked and Bucky was dying to kiss that expression off his face. However, the blonde beat him to the punch as he leaned back down again and captured Bucky’s lips in his. This time, the kiss was slower and gentler but still filled with the same passion as before. It drove Bucky crazy and he just wanted to burry himself in the feeling. When they pulled back again, Stephen was smiling dopily at him and Bucky couldn’t help but smile back. 

“You’re so beautiful, you know that don’t you?” Stephen said as he traced Bucky’s lower lip with his fingertip. “The minute I saw you I new I had to know you. I just, I knew I had to have you in my life.”

Bucky blushed and bit his lip. “Don’t do that,” Stephen chastised. “It makes me want to bite it for you.”

And fuck. That sent shivers running down his spine. Made him feel all hot and bothered in a way he hadn’t even dreamt of feeling ever since Steve passed. 

“Yeah, well why don’t you?” Bucky challenged. 

Stephen smirked and leaned down. He captured Bucky’s lower lip and bit it gently, tugging at it. A groan escaped Bucky’s lips and Stephen leaned down to kiss him properly. This time, they pulled back after hearing a low whistle from across the street. 

“Maybe we should go.” Bucky said shyly and Stephen nodded. 

Stephen cleared his throat and nodded. “Yeah, um yes.” He was blushing furiously, and Bucky found that extremely endearing.

“Walk me to the train?” Bucky asked him.

“How about I take you to Sam’s instead?” Steve supplied. 

“Ah, what a gentleman!”

“We could order pizza if you want.”

“As long as it has pineapples on them.” Bucky smiled cheekily at Steve. 

Stephen laughed and grabbed Bucky’s hand, twining their fingers together. “I love pineapples in my pizza.”

“Good.” Bucky smiled at him, loving the feel of Stephen’s hands on his. They walked down the street together, hand in hand, and even though this was new and it was scary and he couldn’t help but feel guilty, but he also loved it. He loved this so much and he didn’t want to give this up.


	14. Chapter 13

Steve was elated. He felt like he was swimming on the clouds, all hyped up on love. Bucky’s love to be precise. He couldn’t believe that they had kissed. He’d finally kissed Bucky Barnes after spending three entire months without doing so. It felt like coming home to Steve, even though Bucky was probably feeling guilty on the inside. And that was the only thing that actually killed the blonde man. That his Bucky thought he was betraying Steve when in reality he was actually kissing Steve. 

Ugh, this entire situation was confusing but he couldn’t pay any mind to it now. Not after having had Bucky in his arms again. He just wanted to go and be with the other man. Cuddle him up and never let him go. But he knew that Bucky was berating himself for what he had done and he wished he could just tell him without fucking shit up. So he’d take it slow, take it slow and appreciate the fact that he was giving him another chance. 

He entered Peggy’s apartment with a happy grin on his face and a bounce in his step. He closed the door and gave a contented sigh. He walked further into the house and spotted Peggy lounging on the couch, watching TV.

“Oh, hey there Steph, where were you?” She asked, never taking her eyes off the screen.

“Uh, I was out.” He felt his mood deflate as he realized that he’d have to break the news to her. 

“Yeah, with who? Was it with Bucky again?” There was an edge to her voice when she said Bucky’s name and Steve couldn’t help but wince. “How is he doing? Is he going to therapy?”

“Uh, why would he go to therapy?” Steve asked, feeling confused.

“Well he lost his boyfriend, didn’t he?”

“I mean yeah, but. He’s doing okay.”

“Is he? Is he seeing anyone?” She asked, finally turning her attention to him. 

Steve swallowed the lump that had formed on his throat. “Why do you ask?”

Peggy shrugged and sat up. “Oh, I don’t know. It just seems like you know a lot about him. But don’t mind me babe, I’m just being silly.”

Steve scratched the back of his neck. He felt like Peggy knew something he didn’t and that didn’t sit right with him. 

“I actually have to tell you something.” He said. It’d be better to get it out of the way and end things while he still could. 

“Oh yeah? And what is it Stephen?” She sounded so unlike herself. 

“I, uh,” He said as he came to sit down next to her. “I don’t think this is working out Peggy.”

“Oh really?” She turned to him. Tears were threatening to fall from her eyes but she looked stronger than ever. “Would any of that have to do with a certain brunette man that you’ve been hanging around with ever since you fucking woke up from the hospital?”

“Peggy—“

“No, don’t you “Peggy” me Stephen! You know I’ve had it with you and your fucking bullshit. You’ve been acting so weird ever since the accident and If you really wanted to end this fucking relationship, the least you could of done was actually come clean to me. Do you know how humiliating it is to get a picture of you making out with some dude in the middle of the sidewalk from one of your fucking coworkers!” She spat. Her face was flushed and tears were falling out of her eyes.

“Fuck, Peggy,” Steve said, feeling like a total asshole. “I can explain.”

“Please do. Because I really want to understand what the fuck I did for you to do this to me. I thought we were a team Steph. If something is wrong, we talk about it and we try to settle it together. If you stopped loving me, you should have said so and I would have set you free. You didn’t have to make up all this bullshit about having amnesia.” She said as she wiped away her tears.

“No, no. Peggy, please listen. I, I’m not Stephen okay. I’m not,” he was trying to explain this in the most logical way possible. In a way that wouldn’t end up with him having a black eye or broken nose. Taking a deep breath, he continued. “Look, when I woke up from the accident, it was as if my life as Stephen had ended. I didn’t remember you, still don’t and none of the things from my past life. But Bucky, Bucky is just, I can’t explain it okay, and I know it sucks and I know I’m being a complete asshole but this is why I wanted to end things before. Because I can’t hurt you Peggy, I really can’t. All those wonderful things you shared with Stephen were beautiful and I hate myself for destroying what the two of you had. I’m so sorry Peggy.” He was crying now, big fat tears rolling down his face. 

Peggy was crying as well but she looked more composed than him. “I want you to leave.” She said after a moment. Steve nodded, totally understanding her. 

“I’m really sorry okay, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“Yeah, but it did. Now please Steph, please get out. You could come pick up your stuff tomorrow when I’m not here. I really don’t want to see you right now.”

Steve wanted to tell her that he wasn’t Stephen. That he honestly didn’t mean to hurt her the way he was doing right now, but it wouldn’t matter. Nothing he’d say would matter. Peggy was pacing back and forth in, one hand on her hip the other one on her face. 

“Get out please.” She repeated. 

Steve nodded and did as she said. Once out in the hallway, he began to cry. 

It was all too much for him and he didn’t know what to do. He hated hurting people and ever since he came back in Stephen’s body, that’s all he’s been doing. It was torture for him, having to watch Peggy suffer because her Stephen didn’t remember her. It destroyed him that he had to lie to this woman who didn’t deserve that. But there was nothing he could do about it because even when he did tell her the truth, Peggy didn’t believe him. She just got even more upset and kicked him out. But she had every right to do so. Every fucking right. 

Steve took his phone out of his pocket and after composing himself, he dialed Bucky’s number. 

“Hey there.” Bucky answered after the fourth ring. 

“Hey.” Said Steve in a monotone voice.

“Missing me already?” There was a hint of smugness in his voice and Steve couldn’t help but smile despite the tears that were newly falling down his face.

“Y-yeah, totally.” Steve’s voice cracked. 

“Is everything okay?” Bucky asked, sounding worried.

“Uh, y-yeah, yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?” Steve questioned as he wiped away the tears. 

“Oh I don’t know, maybe because it sounds like you’ve been crying.” Bucky told him. 

“I haven’t been crying… Just, um. Is it possible for me to come over?” He asked him. Worried that the answer might be no. Worried that Bucky would turn him away.

“Actually,” said Bucky, and Steve could feel the smile in his voice. “You can. Sam and Nat are out. Probably going to stay over at Clint’s.” 

Steve let out a sigh. “Okay, good.”

“Are you sure everything’s okay?” Bucky asked once more.

“I’ll explain it to you when I get to you.”

“Is it something bad?” Bucky was the one that sounded worried now. “About us?

“No! No. Trust me, not about us. I-, I’ll see you soon.” Steve assured him before hanging up. 

Taking a deep breath, he walked out of the building.


End file.
